It’s the second day after Christmas and I am back at the office.  There are only a handful of people at work in my department today.  There is nearly nothing going on.  It’s snowing outside but only barely sticking to the wind-facing side of some bushes.

As I work on resolutions for the New Year and keep picking at a tooth that is aching; I have my oldest son on my mind.  He’s driving home today, in the snow storm, to Los Angeles. 

My small house has spent the past five days hosting eleven people, three dogs and five cats.  I’m sure even the house is sighing in relief today; as everyone has left; except my other son who is still home from the Navy.

It was a good holiday.  This year has been one of change.  Both sons left home this year; as in geographically leaving the area, the state.  So it’s been an adjustment for me and their sisters to have them far away.  They both came home for Christmas so that made it an extra special holiday. 

Almost all the other holidays this year were pretty uneventful so having a big Christmas was a bonus.  The major events of the year included son #2’s high school graduation and boot camp graduation.   Since the boot camp graduation was the day before Thanksgiving, and in Chicago; we didn’t have a Thanksgiving event this year; because my father, my ex and I went to it and left the girls with my mother.
 
By the end of Christmas Day I seriously considered the tropical vacation alternative for next year.  I’ve been sick the last couple of weeks and I was exhausted.  However, now as I reflect; it was a really good Christmas this year.  Not a major event; but a good, solid, pleasant, long weekend with the family together.  What makes it a very successful holiday is that there were no major flares and very few minor glitches.

I’ve learned over the years, while people are always going to do things that I don’t like or don’t agree with; it is not necessarily the time to resolve behavioral issues when there is a houseful of people around.  My daughter may have been a little mouthy and my son spent more time out with his friends than with the family; but confronting it publicly at that time wasn’t going to remedy the problem favorably.  Two pouting, angry teenagers can make a houseful of people quite miserable. 

I learned that one very much the hard way with my oldest when he was fifteen.  I refused to let him stay home alone when we were going on a family vacation and he made sure I regretted my decision.  In retrospect, I still would have made the same decision in that particular case; however, confronting it head on did more harm than good.  In all likelihood, ignoring him at the time, and dealing with it later; would have likely made it easier on all of us.  If I had it to do over I would have let him be as nasty as he was without confronting him, and then grounded him after we returned home.

As for my 18 year old son and him not spending time with the family; guilting him into being there wouldn’t have made it a positive.  It’s simply that at his age his friends are very important to him and having just left three months ago for the Navy; its been quite a transition for him.  I believe he knows his family is there for him but he’s still clinging onto the friends and he’s got to work this one out for himself.  Besides, I never ran off to the Navy or isolated myself when I was just barely out of high school; so who knows what he’s going through.  I’m willing to bet in another year he will be more interested in hanging out with the family more.  In the meantime, berating him surely won’t help; and only will upset both of us.

Of course the challenge is the other side of the family that thinks I should be more demanding and controlling.  For whatever reason they seem to think they can assess the entire family dynamic within a three day weekend; and determine what part of my methods need revision.  What they don’t quite understand is that the setting is not the usual day-to-day setting, and what I do or don’t do in an unusual circumstance may not reflect what I would do normally.  We are not always the same in every environment, with every mix of people.  Our behavior and mannerisms vary with the environment as well as our moods; and the holidays are entirely unusual circumstances. 

There is absolutely no way to resolve ongoing issues or differences during a holiday.  You can’t rely on consistent behavior nor can you change someone’s behavior.  I think too many families thing this is the time to air out their issues and get things off their chest; but it is not. 

We expect too much from our holidays.  All those great Christmas movies that depict the perfect holiday and everyone strives for it.  We forget to look at the whole picture.  Virtually all the holiday movies I can think of have a conflict, a crisis, something that goes wrong, and they find a way to make the best of it and move on.  Granted, most of us won’t find our long lost love on Christmas Eve or live happily ever after; but we can have a nice time and walk away satisfied that we were able to reconnect with people we love but don’t get to spend enough time with.

So, yes, I let some things slide this holiday.  I let some things go and I didn’t get everything I wanted from everyone I wanted.  But leaving some things unsatisfied makes me appreciate what I got and look forward to the next one.  When people leave while you still hate to see them go, it’s a good thing.  When the holiday goes by and you are already looking forward to the next one, it’s a total success.  When you miss them ten minutes after they’ve left; and the house seems too quiet; then you should have no regrets.