I’ve got a full blown case of insomnia.  I’m tired, really tired.  All I’ve wanted to do all day is sleep.  However, the longer I lie in bed the more agitated I become.  My mind races but in fragments and scattered topics; none of which come together coherently.  I feel like my mind is a runaway train; not even on a track.  I won’t be worth the bullet to shoot me tomorrow; but I just can’t get to sleep.

That’s probably the scariest part of this disease is when my brain stops functioning the way I’ve always been used to it.  I have always been sharp, detail oriented, the multitasking queen that never forgot anything and kept track of everyone.  I did all the organizing, planning, coordination, remembering what everyone else forgets.  Now I struggle to remember simple things like locking the front door when I leave in the morning or what day of the week (and what meetings I have).  Now I’m more the calendar and list queen.

When I am like this even sleeping doesn’t help.  When I do get to sleep finally, it races so fast all night with strange, disjointed dreams that I often wake up out of breath and more exhausted than if I just stayed awake.  A weird combination, total exhaustion with the inability to rest decently.

I worry more too when I get like this, in a flare.  How long can I keep working?  I’ve got three more children to raise.  I’ve got no confidence in the LTD insurance I pay for that I could effectively qualify to quit working; and even less confidence in the doctors I see to support me.  My profession relies on my mind.  Thirty years of experience, lot’s of technical knowledge, insight, instinct, and my organization and planning skills.  If I lose the ability to do all those things I lose the ability to do my job.  Is losing your mind a real disability – and how do you “prove” that?

All these questions and no real answers.  Three million people with this disease and all people do is suffer.  Tonight, all I want to do is sleep.