Just another Rambling
Ok so perhaps the Snow post was a little cornball. At the time it seemed significant. Sometimes the mind has to focus on simple things in order to refocus. That's what I've been busy at the past few days. Maybe the past few weeks and months; but mostly its been a struggle that I haven't made a lot of progress with. So its sort of self-defeating to admit to how long I've really been at it.
I'm trying to refocus. Too much of my energy is focused on negative 'energies' so to speak. There are plenty of those around and nearby at present, so its easy to go there. I've recently come to fully realize that while I am NOT one of those inclined to live in the past; I desperately avoid living in the present. My shelter has always been to live in the future. To dream, to wish, to hope, to pray for that future state. I don't deal with the present very well. Sunday nights I dread Monday. Monday I start thinking about Friday and the weekend. Friday's I worry about what I didn't get done all week. Today I worry about tomorrow.
I can get through today alright it seems, but mostly I'm avoiding it. It's like driving without ever looking where you are; only where you are going and on occasion where you've been.
I'm constantly dreaming. Someday, either through determination or luck; I'll get there. I will arrive. I will achieve that state of contentment. This current state sure isn't it, so its got to be out there somewhere in the future.
In the meantime, I'm currently miserable. Things are bad. Things are not going well and it seems every turn is another roadblock. This makes it even more difficult to live in the now. Now is someplace I don't want to be. Now is frightening, and unhappy, and painful; sick and penniless; so why would I want to be here?
So as I push myself to do what the counselors tell me I must do; I keep asking why would I want to be here anyway? I don't really know the answer. I guess if I don't learn to live in the now; I'll keep raising the bar on myself and always be miserable. I know the answer is in there, but why do I have to start out so low?
I'm trying to refocus. Too much of my energy is focused on negative 'energies' so to speak. There are plenty of those around and nearby at present, so its easy to go there. I've recently come to fully realize that while I am NOT one of those inclined to live in the past; I desperately avoid living in the present. My shelter has always been to live in the future. To dream, to wish, to hope, to pray for that future state. I don't deal with the present very well. Sunday nights I dread Monday. Monday I start thinking about Friday and the weekend. Friday's I worry about what I didn't get done all week. Today I worry about tomorrow.
I can get through today alright it seems, but mostly I'm avoiding it. It's like driving without ever looking where you are; only where you are going and on occasion where you've been.
I'm constantly dreaming. Someday, either through determination or luck; I'll get there. I will arrive. I will achieve that state of contentment. This current state sure isn't it, so its got to be out there somewhere in the future.
In the meantime, I'm currently miserable. Things are bad. Things are not going well and it seems every turn is another roadblock. This makes it even more difficult to live in the now. Now is someplace I don't want to be. Now is frightening, and unhappy, and painful; sick and penniless; so why would I want to be here?
So as I push myself to do what the counselors tell me I must do; I keep asking why would I want to be here anyway? I don't really know the answer. I guess if I don't learn to live in the now; I'll keep raising the bar on myself and always be miserable. I know the answer is in there, but why do I have to start out so low?
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