Letting Go of Emotional Pain
Instinctively, we might think; why would anyone want to hold onto pain? Well, we don't want to. However, for whatever reason it seems to stick with us. Sometimes we don't even realize it because its in the background. It's not like we think about it constantly but its there; waiting to rear its ugly head.
Alot of what I've been learning lately is that it can shape us. It influences who we are; how we see the world. How we treat ourselves. That is the big key for me. How I treat myself. Specifically, how I 'speak' to myself in my head. The quick answer is that I am very hard on myself. I often find reasons to feel guilty for just about anything.
I used to joke that along with motherhood comes a heaping helping of guilt. From the very start you feel guilty about everything. Even during pregnancy, you guilt yourself into eating properly, exercising, resting; and if you don't do these things at any given time you feel guilty. Then if there is anything wrong during the pregnancy you feel responsible for it. Miscarraiges, is there a women out there that has ever experienced a miscarraige and not felt guilty for it?
Then there is the good mother syndrome. Our children can't catch a cold, scrape a knee, or get upset over a bully without us somehow feeling guilty about it. Either we weren't a good mother or we berate ourselves because we can't fix it for them. If our children misbehave and get in trouble the first thing we do is feel like we've failed as a mother.
The bad news is: it doesn't go away when they grow up either. Even when they are adults every time they experience something bad you instinctively want to fix it for them. You somehow feel responsible for their turmoil.
But not all emotional pain comes solely from guilt. Some of it comes from people that have truly hurt us in our lives in one way or another. Parents, family, friends, spouses, bosses, teachers, clergy, and anyone that touches our lives in any way can hurt us. For the most part, we get angry, hurt, and then let go of it. But I think many of us never really let go of it.
I think the tendency of not letting go has to do with us wanting to protect ourselves from that kind of hurt again. So we hang onto it as a way of making sure we are cautious not to get hurt again the same way. I'm not convinced that even works though. If someone is going to treat you the same way that you've been hurt before; you aren't going to see it coming ahead of time anyway.
The only way we can really be hurt is by someone or something we care about. So in order for someone to hurt us; we've already let them in past the 'firewall' of protection. As much as our instincts tell us to avoid pain; a lot of emotionally painful experiences are impossible to protect yourself against.
Take an abusive spouse for example. If that person was abusive the day you met them you wouldn't have let them in your life. It isn't until they are already past your defenses that they become abusive. At that point there is no way you are not going to be hurt by them. Of course, how long you tolerate the abuse is what you have control over. How long we endure pain is considerably different than avoiding it entirely.
So we can't really avoid it. Therefore, hanging onto it does us no good. When we hang onto it we often have an over-reaction when we are hurt again. The over-reaction is because all the previous hurt combines with the current hurt and it is overwhelming. So there we are, with all this cumulative hurt and anger bombarding us.
I think other reasons we hang onto the pain is because we think maybe someday it will get resolved. Someday we will be able to right the wrong or heal the wound. Chance are though, if you weren't able to resolve it when it happened you aren't ever going to resolve it. You might as well go ahead and lick your wounds and be done with it. That's really a challenge for me. I always want to resolve things and the ones that don't get resolved I hang onto.
Things like lies and cheating - what is the resolution? The person that lied is very seldom ever going to admit to it. A cheater has already cheated and they can't take it back. A simple "I'm sorry" doesn't do anything to resolve our hurt. So any type of resolution is very unlikely. If it is likely, then get the resolution right away and be done with it.
Things like childhood abuse shapes you. The negativity you got from people that were supposed to protect you has a very strong affect on how you treat yourself. That brain-speak is probably very often critical of you. Chances are you usually see the glass half empty. Why? Again, no surprises. If you expect the worst then you won't be hurt when it happens. Yaright! Tell me that works. If you expect the worst you may not enjoy when it doesn't happen; but you sure as heck aren't protected from being hurt when the worst does happen.
So looking at all these practical explanations of pains and why holding onto them is so impractical. So why is it so hard to let go of them? None of our arguments are sufficient. It has no healthy or worthwhile use for us to hang onto the pain and anger; except to torment us - the victim.
I don't have the answers. I struggle with this myself and I'm on the embarking phase of the journey. How to let go of those things that hurt and stop letting them continue to hurt us. It's easier to let go of the abusive relationship than the hurts and anger it infected you with.
You let go of the people that hurt you - but you continue to hurt yourself with the abuse playing over and over in your head. So how do you let go of that?
Stay tuned~
Alot of what I've been learning lately is that it can shape us. It influences who we are; how we see the world. How we treat ourselves. That is the big key for me. How I treat myself. Specifically, how I 'speak' to myself in my head. The quick answer is that I am very hard on myself. I often find reasons to feel guilty for just about anything.
I used to joke that along with motherhood comes a heaping helping of guilt. From the very start you feel guilty about everything. Even during pregnancy, you guilt yourself into eating properly, exercising, resting; and if you don't do these things at any given time you feel guilty. Then if there is anything wrong during the pregnancy you feel responsible for it. Miscarraiges, is there a women out there that has ever experienced a miscarraige and not felt guilty for it?
Then there is the good mother syndrome. Our children can't catch a cold, scrape a knee, or get upset over a bully without us somehow feeling guilty about it. Either we weren't a good mother or we berate ourselves because we can't fix it for them. If our children misbehave and get in trouble the first thing we do is feel like we've failed as a mother.
The bad news is: it doesn't go away when they grow up either. Even when they are adults every time they experience something bad you instinctively want to fix it for them. You somehow feel responsible for their turmoil.
But not all emotional pain comes solely from guilt. Some of it comes from people that have truly hurt us in our lives in one way or another. Parents, family, friends, spouses, bosses, teachers, clergy, and anyone that touches our lives in any way can hurt us. For the most part, we get angry, hurt, and then let go of it. But I think many of us never really let go of it.
I think the tendency of not letting go has to do with us wanting to protect ourselves from that kind of hurt again. So we hang onto it as a way of making sure we are cautious not to get hurt again the same way. I'm not convinced that even works though. If someone is going to treat you the same way that you've been hurt before; you aren't going to see it coming ahead of time anyway.
The only way we can really be hurt is by someone or something we care about. So in order for someone to hurt us; we've already let them in past the 'firewall' of protection. As much as our instincts tell us to avoid pain; a lot of emotionally painful experiences are impossible to protect yourself against.
Take an abusive spouse for example. If that person was abusive the day you met them you wouldn't have let them in your life. It isn't until they are already past your defenses that they become abusive. At that point there is no way you are not going to be hurt by them. Of course, how long you tolerate the abuse is what you have control over. How long we endure pain is considerably different than avoiding it entirely.
So we can't really avoid it. Therefore, hanging onto it does us no good. When we hang onto it we often have an over-reaction when we are hurt again. The over-reaction is because all the previous hurt combines with the current hurt and it is overwhelming. So there we are, with all this cumulative hurt and anger bombarding us.
I think other reasons we hang onto the pain is because we think maybe someday it will get resolved. Someday we will be able to right the wrong or heal the wound. Chance are though, if you weren't able to resolve it when it happened you aren't ever going to resolve it. You might as well go ahead and lick your wounds and be done with it. That's really a challenge for me. I always want to resolve things and the ones that don't get resolved I hang onto.
Things like lies and cheating - what is the resolution? The person that lied is very seldom ever going to admit to it. A cheater has already cheated and they can't take it back. A simple "I'm sorry" doesn't do anything to resolve our hurt. So any type of resolution is very unlikely. If it is likely, then get the resolution right away and be done with it.
Things like childhood abuse shapes you. The negativity you got from people that were supposed to protect you has a very strong affect on how you treat yourself. That brain-speak is probably very often critical of you. Chances are you usually see the glass half empty. Why? Again, no surprises. If you expect the worst then you won't be hurt when it happens. Yaright! Tell me that works. If you expect the worst you may not enjoy when it doesn't happen; but you sure as heck aren't protected from being hurt when the worst does happen.
So looking at all these practical explanations of pains and why holding onto them is so impractical. So why is it so hard to let go of them? None of our arguments are sufficient. It has no healthy or worthwhile use for us to hang onto the pain and anger; except to torment us - the victim.
I don't have the answers. I struggle with this myself and I'm on the embarking phase of the journey. How to let go of those things that hurt and stop letting them continue to hurt us. It's easier to let go of the abusive relationship than the hurts and anger it infected you with.
You let go of the people that hurt you - but you continue to hurt yourself with the abuse playing over and over in your head. So how do you let go of that?
Stay tuned~
Hi,
I've been hurt alot. Neglectfull parents, alcoholic parents, abusive (verbally and sexually abusive) step-parents, abusive controlling ex-husband, been cheated on, etc. The pain is always there, never goes away, even when I'm at my happiest, it's still there. I wish I could find a way to let go completely, but I really don't think it is really possible to do that. People say that they've forgiven and forgotten, but I don't believe that they truly do, it's an illusion. My pain has changed me for the worse, and I don't like the person I am today. I wish I could be free of the pain. But I can't let go.
Y
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