Dori Post

The Muse behind Dori Post

2010-01-08T23:47:00Z

The inspiration behind Dori Post was born early in a ranch home of a colleague of her father's while they were traveling for his business. He worked for Internation Harvester (I think), the farming equipment company, and they were staying at a rancher's home in the small area of Fulda, Minnesota when she arrived unexpectedly on January 22, 1900.

She never had a birth certificate and she was an only child so the family tree stopped with her. It's difficult to trace it anywhere. Her father died when she was a teenager and her mother died before I was born. She was French Basque, the family tree traces from Canada. There was a single cousin that we visited once in Colorado when I was about twelve; and no one has any contact information for him anymore.

Unfortunately, all the family documents, heirlooms, etc. were lost in a fire that my grandfather died in. So there are no old trunks or photo albums or scrap books to go through.

She was brought up in finishing schools and destined to be a concert pianist. She had incredible insight and intelligence. She passed up the opportunity to be a concert pianist and instead stayed home to take care of her ailing mother. She married late and had three children in her late thirties and early forties. She never drove a car and walked to do most of her errands. She was a strong and proud woman that even walked with a straight and elegant gait that gave her a presence when she entered a room that made everyone take notice. She stood out and people were drawn to her. She could have been royalty.

She didn't have an easy life. They didn't have a lot of money and sometimes they had very little. At some points she took in sewing jobs or other things to make ends meet. She pawned her wedding rings once when it was necessary. She got new ones from her husband later when things got better. Despite the difficult times she maintained her dignity always and still had class. She still entered a room and people took notice. She made you realize that money isn't what gives someone class. It's something inside a person. It's heart.

She had so many different talents. In addition to music, she sewed flawlessly, she wrote beautifully, she was an incredible cook, she read avidly and had a wonderful mind for literature.

She once wrote a story about a little boy that got bounced around foster homes and all he had that was truly his was a teddy bear. It was for a fundraiser to buy kids in Juvenal Hall stuffed animals for Christmas. The story made people cry. The fundraiser was a screaming success. Everything she did came out flawless. It was amazing.

She demanded we all spoke proper English and even three generations later our children excel in vocabulary and language skills thanks to her.

When she married she converted to Catholicism for her husband and was the most devout Catholic I ever knew. While she may not have been the most devout mass attending person; she was a devout Christian. Never do unto others without conscience first. Always think how you would feel before you do to someone else. Put the shoe on your own foot first. Again, three generations later it is embedded in our children because of her. Children that never even had the opportunity to meet her.

I catch myself all the time living her legacies, quoting her, doing what she taught me, wanting to be like her. She was strong, inspiring, talented, intelligent, proud, charitable, and classy. I miss her terribly even though she has been gone 30 years. The best I can do to honor her is to try and carry on some of her best traits. She was truly an inspiring woman.

So that is who is behind Dori Post (not her name) for inspiration. A strong inspiring person that keeps up the fight.

In the Spirit of Change

2009-12-08T04:25:00Z

December always bring that tendency to reflect on the past year and look forward as to what is in store for the upcoming year. At least I think most people do it to some extent. In some cases it may even be subconciously.

What's interesting is that despite the natural tendency to resist change; people generally will also seek it. We are definitely unsettled beings. We resist and find changes and make ourselves miserable over them but then if we don't have any changes in our lives we seek them.

In reflecting the end of the year people are looking at the classifieds to seek new homes, cars, jobs, furniture. Even the spirit of Christmas has turned into more of a seeking of some new feature or excitement to add to a person's life. It can be a new electronic device, expensive jewelry or a number of other items. It seems the spirit of the December holidays has a lot to do with what changes people can make in their or each other's lives. Some new excitement or pizazz.

Perhaps its because people get too caught up in the mundane and routine and forget to enjoy those things the rest of the year that they have to think about it at the end of the year and figure out what to change to cheer up their lives. It doesn't last. They wind up in the same state by March and once again are seeking the next thing the next December.

The guy that got up three hours before he had to go to work to go surfing on the beach because he loved the ocean knew how to live. He knew how to make sure the special parts of life were a part of his daily life. He worked less hours and turned down jobs in places he didn't want to live because being near the ocean was important to him. He didn't sell his soul to money, he sold it to life. He kept what he loved a priority in his life and he worked and paid his bills and lived a good life around it. I admired him greatly. He passed away this September.

We should all live the way he did. Prioritize what is really important to us. If you love the ocean then make it a priority in your life. Find the time to enjoy it. If you love to hike, them make the time to do it. If you love reading, find time to do that. But prioritize what you love; not what you think you have to do.

Prioritizing the extra work on your desk, laundry, bills, lawn and putting our passions on the back burner makes us miserable human beings. It's all wrong. Yes we have to do those things. However, a person's inspiration comes from their passions and what they love. Prioritize them and work them INTO the schedule. Just make them important.

You might find everything will fall into place when you are more content and inspired.

The Struggle Never Ends

2009-09-06T21:07:00Z

Life is a constant struggle it seems. We keep fighting for that state of smooth sailing but it doesn't exist. There is alway another hurdle. It can be very disheartening. But we must persist. We must keep fighting and struggling past each hurdle. We must tackle each thing that gets in our way.

What keeps us going? The hope that there is a better state of smooth sailing ahead of us. That some day it won't be so difficult for us. Perhaps there is. I don't think everyone struggles as hard as I do. I still hope some day my struggle won't be as hard as it has been. I'm worn out. I'm so very tired. I don't know how I can keep fighting so hard so constantly.

However, I'm not sure what the option is. How do you stop fighting? How do you give up? If a hurdle is thrown at you what choice to you have but to react? It's like blinking. It's about impossible to resist the urge. So you find yourself in the fight no matter how tired or worn out you are. You look back and find you are on the other side of the hurdle. You aren't sure how you got there.

Of course you turn around and there is another one ahead of you. They are always there. But sometimes there is a little break in between. I just wish the breaks would be a bit bigger than they have been. But I keep the faith that someday they will.

Life is Always Changing

2009-04-24T20:19:00Z

It's a normal thing that life is always changing. I am not sure why we are always looking for a state of no change. That 'settling down' feeling. I don't know when it ever gets there because I've never been there. I remember when I was young I thought that had to be the most boring thing. I never wanted to be 'settled'.

Then as I got older I kept wondering when I would achieve it. Now I wonder with dismay if I will ever get to settle. But I don't think we ever do. I don't think life is ever really settled as long as we are an active part of it. As long as we keep living we are not settled.

The true question is, do we even want to be? Sure, there are days that I am truly exhausted and exasperated and don't think I can take another step and I wish I didn't have so many things on my plate. The issue isn't the things on my plate. It's why I am exhausted or exasperated. That usually points back to my health or wealth; or lack of.

So its not so much how much I have going on in my life but the limits I have in my ability to respond to it. On the other side, it keeps it interesting. My kids all have interesting, active lives and it keeps me intrigued and interested and its fun. Nothing boring for me. Especially when things are going alright for them.

I do get caught up in worry when things are not going well for them and its really hard because I can't fix it; like mom's want to do. But when things are going alright its a lot of fun to sort of live through their lives. Things I never may have done I sort of get to experience through their experiences. It gives me a fuller life.

So I guess I was right all along; that life always changing is a good thing. I don't want it to ever really settle down. Just let me take a break now and then to catch my breath.

Make a Difference

2009-01-30T04:57:00Z

This economy has everyone I know worried. Even the kids are worried. What is worse is that it is believed it will get worse before it gets better. I'm not sure what that means exactly. More people will be out of work. More businesses will close.

I'm not sure but it seems that there is just less and less money circulating around. We do keep buying foreign oil and sending money overseas. Doesn't that mean there is less money left in the U.S.? How do we get that money back here? Are those countries buying something equally valuable from us in return? If not, we are shipping our cash out of the country and there really is less of it in this country.

Aside from the money issue what will our lives be like if this situation does get worse? Will we find empty shelves on the grocery stores? Will produce be hard to find? Will there be shortages on certain products and ridiculous prices of the short supply items? I'm already on disability and a fixed income that doesn't go very far. I wonder if the little bit of money I have is going to be stretched even thinner than it is already.

How do we allow ourselves, the greatest nation in the world, to get this bad? We take things for granted too much. We believe in fairy tales and that everything is going to be alright. Then when it isn't we look to blame someone else instead of taking responsibility for it and making the changes ourselves. We are too passive. We want someone else to make things happen for us.

We all need to make a difference. We all need to take responsibility for changing things. Roll up our sleeves and get busy. Get involved.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

2008-12-07T22:35:00Z

I have always been way too serious and responsible. I rarely let my guard down and go enjoy myself just for me. I can't think of any times I went and took a trip with a friend. I never was much for just playing, even as a kid.

I tortured my little brothers playing school all the time. I was far too serious and made them sit and do serious assignments. It was playing in a sense but I took it very seriously. I wasn't having much fun. I was serious about providing them with some sort of education.

The only thing I've ever done that is some sort of play for me is riding my motorcycle. It's invigorating and there is no other reason that the enjoyment that I do it. The wind in your face is very invigorating and clears your mind. It connects you with nature and the power of it.

I want to do more playing. Perhaps a trip somewhere tropical with a friend. I guess I'll have to find a piggy bank and start throwing my change in it. I think playing is important. Even at my ripe old "mid-life" age. I haven't been doing much of it in my life but I want to learn.

The Flop House

2008-11-13T10:31:00Z

I've heard it a thousand times. I've said it a thousand times myself. "We aren't running a flop house here." But I think back and remember my Grandmother frequently making up a bed for someone. I don't know if it was through the church or through the welfare office but she used to sometimes be making up a bed for people in the evening; after bedtime, for someone that came to them needing a place to sleep.

I remember her pulling out sheets, blankets and pillows and making a crisp, clean bed on the sofa that folded down flat or the spare room off the kitchen. It's a fuzzy memory. I don't remember any of the people she made the bed for. I do know that she took in children for Juvenile hall until they could be placed. Not ones that committed crimes but the ones that had been taken for other reasons. She might have them a night or for a couple weeks.

The moral of this story is that my Grandma could never turn away a person that needed a place to sleep. Neither could my mother. Neither can I.

Recently my daughter had a couple staying here. They had just come into town, back from out of town but the guy we knew from him living here previously. Unfortunately, they didn't tell us she was under age. She got picked up and sent home. That's happened to me before. Do I regret it? No, she needed a place to stay regardless and what was I to do? Make her sleep on the street because she was under 18? I don't think so.

More recently we've had a friend of my younger girls staying over some of the time. Her and her mom have been hit even harder than we have lately because she's a realtor. They've lost their home, etc. They have to stay out of the area with Grandma but the girl is still at school here. Mom is working 2 odd jobs at odd hours to try to keep money coming in. So sometimes its easier to have the girl stay here and catch the bus to/from school. Heck, I understand what they are going through. I understand what its like to need help. It's the least I can do.

So am I running a flop house? Maybe. If I am, then I'm proud of it. I don't think I'm taking unnecessary risks. But I just can't turn people in need away. I'm not out scooping up people off the street but if people I know come to my door and ask for help; and I can give it to them; then I will. Letting them sleep on my family room floor (on a mattress) is really no big sacrifice for me. A couple extra showers and maybe extra bowls of cereal in the morning just isn't going to send me to the streets. It's the very least I can offer.

WomanHood

2008-10-19T01:57:00Z

Lately I have been reading several magazines that are geared towards women, mostly older women. The main focus of magazines like these is women reinventing themselves, achieving their dreams, and finding success.

There is a lot of discussion about being your best, reclaiming your life, being yourself and finally overcoming whatever has been holding you back.

The thing I find disturbing is that these same points aren't as frequently directed to young women. Why aren't we teaching girls this in high school, in middle school, from day one? Why don't we teach girls to succeed and realize their dreams from the beginning? Why do we wait until their forties to encourage them to come forward?

I know history, and I understand the answer to the question. What troubles me is that I don't think we are pushing change as fast as we should. Too many women are still subservient and still put themselves in subservient and suppressed situations to the point of being indentured. The vast statistics of domestic abuse and underground slavery is staggering enough to prove we are not empowering women fast enough.

We need to work harder and faster to teach girls these things when they are young as well. I have three daughters and its more important to me for them to learn self defense and safety awareness skills than the bowling their high school took them to. I hope when my daughters are in their forties and they are looking at their lives they find they don't need a reinvention.

Root Beer Floats

2008-09-26T03:45:00Z

In my early years of school I went to and from school to my grandparents house. In Kindergarten it was a public school just a few blocks from their house and in First and Second grade it was a Catholic School about ten blocks from their house. Approximately midway there was a small liquor store. On special days, or to pick up a gloomy day; one of those days where it was so dark it seemed like it was nighttime all day; my grandmother would let us stop at the liquor store for a special treat.

Our treat was always Rootbeer Floats. I don't really know why that was it but it was the supreme treat we could have. It was the ultimate special treat. Grandma would buy a half gallon of vanilla ice cream in the rectangular carton and a couple bottles of Hires Root Beer in glass bottles. We'd hurry home before the ice cream melted and she'd make us the floats as soon as we got home.

As the years have passed I have replaced Root Beer Floats with hot fudge sundaes and other things but if I ever come across one they still give me a very special feeling. It's a bright and cheerful feeling. Most of all, I miss my Grandma and wish she was here sharing a Rootbeer Float with me.

The American Dream Has Tarnished The Golden Rule

2008-04-30T05:44:00Z

I grew up to have compassion and fear God, not people. I knew some may seek to harm me but was lead to believe that was relatively few and the masses were good Christian people like I was and we'd all live in harmony together. We'd work hard, love our children, do our jobs, lay blame where it belonged, and defend each other as we should. Boy was I wrong. Sad thing was, I bought it. I drank the Kool-aid. I believed.

Now I knew people didn't necessarily love their children; and what went on behind closed doors could be downright terrifying. I shifted from fearing God to pleading with him; neither of which seemed to help much. All in all; for the most part I've been protected from serious trauma. But I've had more than my fair share of difficulties. I've learned to lock my doors, protect my valuables and not trust so easily.

But the extent that people are just plain horrible to each other on a daily basis in the workplace, in public, in government, services, anywhere and the hatred and lack of compassion is just staggering. I am 48 years old and I am still amazed. In awe. I can't get accustomed to it. People just don't care for each other as a general rule. They only care for themselves.

I'm not the only one; so a lot of us must have drank the kool-aid because a lot of us are amazed at the inhumanity that is so rampant now. Look at our television, we promote bad behavior on television and this is what our children are watching!! They are desensitized to people lying, stealing, cheating to get what they want and winning is all that matters.

I don't think I want to get desensitized to the inhumanity of people. If I do then it means it's ok. I don't want for it to ever be ok. It means it will continue to be painful to me and hurt me. I'll just have to endure it and recuperate from it over and over again. Hopefully, someday we will again become a more compassionate society than we are now; but the American Dream has overtaken the Golden Rule at this point to an extent that frightening.

My Ducks Are Gathering

2008-04-14T00:24:00Z

They aren't in a row yet, but they are at least gathering around. I wonder sometimes if we are even meant to ever get our ducks in a row. It's a cute phrase, but are we so busy chasing something that's not meant to be? If all your ducks are in a row, isn't it kind of boring?

Ok that was definitely a random rant.

On the more serious note, things are coming together. At least I feel like they are. Of course late at night all the haunts of darkness make you uneasy. A person needs to learn to embrace the darkness and make it work for you. Aside from banking and doctor appointments, what can't you do during the odd hours of the night? Many stores are even open 24/7 now.

What I like most about daylight is views. Looking off in the distance to the mountains or the clouds in the sky. Watching clouds can be quite entertaining. Here we have these clouds that form over Lake Tahoe but then they will blow east and they get this smudged look from being blown. It's really unique and intriguing. I've tried to capture them with a camera but I haven't done it justice yet.

So I don't think I'm going to worry about having my ducks in a row. Rather just be glad they are gathered. The slight disarray keeps things interesting.

OK So I'm a Wimp

2008-04-08T09:01:00Z

Yes, I finally admit it. I'm a Wimp. I give in and avoid confrontation. With the number of disagreements I've been known to argue to the death, I never would have guessed it. But I've finally come to realize that I only get to that point out of sheer desperation and frustration. Generally, there were countless opportunities for me to be more assertive long before it resulted in an uproar.

I let the kids skip their chores and I let them off their punishments. (Who really gets punished anyway, them or us?) I can barely make a phone call and seldom return items purchased unless there is a total failure. I rarely tell someone no if they ask for a favor or intrude on me.

So I need to go back to my assertiveness lessons and relearn them. I need to be more proactive and stern. I need to stop making excuses and stick to my declarations. No more letting the girls walk all over me. I think I've been making excuses because I've been so sick they have had to do more. Regardless, that's no excuse for letting things get out of hand.

Assertiveness vs. Aggressiveness - Is there a difference for Women?

2008-03-14T08:43:00Z

I've been to the assertiveness business seminar. I've read some books about being assertive. Despite all this education I've had on the subject; I'm still pretty much a doormat. I really didn't realize some of the subtler aspects of unhealthy and abusive relationships. The obvious ones everyone is aware of, even those submerged in one. However, the more subtle attributes I wasn't aware of until today. I have them here in writing; dishonesty, inequality, disrespect, irresponsibility. Some of those actions include; tries to control my life, tells me what to do, lies to me, uses manipulation or coercion, makes fun of me or calls me nasty names, dominates my time, does not like me to do things without them, their rights are most important, emotional outbursts, dominates and controls others.

So with this learning experience I also have designations for being assertive without being aggressive. I've been out there in the world a long time. I worked almost 30 years in a predominately male profession. I can not think of a time where any assertive woman was not considered aggressive. Now granted, I accept that many people don't know the difference. But unless a woman is a doormat, especially in the workplace; she is considered aggressive.

Rather than gloss over it let's just admit to it being the B-word. If you don't take it all quietly and are passive to everyone's bad behavior; other women included (and they often are worse than the men); then you are labeled with the B-word.

Then again, has any woman ever NOT been called that at some time or another? If it is inevitable, then why try so hard to avoid it? Do what is best for your own self-esteem and self preservation and stop worrying so much about that word.

The best we can do is be sure we are being assertive rather than aggressive in our behavior but not expect others to know the difference. Expect to get called the B-word regardless; and wind up with a healthy life and healthy relationships.

I've Had It !!

2008-03-10T08:56:00Z

My daughter lost another friend to a drug overdose. It happened a day after the friend had promised her that the drug use was over. She's going through all the mixed emotions of grief. They of course range from being heartbroken to being angry. This friend was one that had been around for years. Even the twins knew this one and were fond of him. I'm angry. My daughter has been working so hard to get her life back on track from the last loss.

I'm angry too. I'm angry because I'm fed up with consoling my kids through the death of another friend. I'm angry because it's become a way-to-frequent occurrence. Suicide, car accidents, drug use. Death of their friends is so common they are having to become numb to survive it all.

Children aren't supposed to be faced with these kinds of losses during their childhood. They are not supposed to have to deal with the realities of life before they are old enough to grasp the concept; let alone the experience. I don't know what to say anymore. It sounds trite to tell them "that's just life". At the same time, it's so difficult to keep it from derailing them.

My daughter was derailed about 4 years ago when her friend and class partner in math committed suicide one night after school. She had had quite a few intense, personal conversations with him and never had any indication he was suicidal. She was in shock and disbelief. She had to go to class and sit next to the empty chair. She shut down. First her math grade went down. Then all her classes went down. Then she started getting sick a lot. She got so she couldn't handle anything. She was totally derailed and it took a very long time for her to get back on track. That school year was pretty much a total loss.

Since then she's had other friends die and had to try to deal with it. She had boyfriend issues that took a huge emotional toll on her. She had home life issues with me being sick and her brothers moving away.

Seriously, I should have gotten her more counseling much sooner. I kept expecting her to get back on track and manage. My conversation with her tonight had a little more "you've been through this before, you are stronger now" than total shock. She now accepts the anger with the tears. Hopefully she will get through this one without too much collateral damage.

I'm just getting fed up with the number of our young dying for no reason.

Unconditional Love vs. Understanding

2008-02-29T03:12:00Z

Every day I see so many people trying to get their family and friends to understand their illnesses, feelings, etc. in order to be loved. Someone else actually planted this train of thought in my head so I can't take full credit. But I decided I'd run with it here.

If true love is unconditional - then understanding has nothing to do with it. Trying to get someone to understand something about you in order for them to love you is futile.

I suppose that is too black and white. If someone truly loves you but doesn't understand something about you - like your illness - does that mean they no longer love you? Or does it mean that it doesn't matter what they understand about your illness - they are going to continue to love you irregardless?

I know that I love my children unconditionally. I doesn't mean I always understand everything about them. So a lot of people are frantically trying to seek understanding when in fact it has no bearing on love. If someone is holding their interpretation of something over you as to whether or not they will love you then you might as well let them go because they don't already love you unconditionally.

Conditional love is a trap. It isn't love. Love is unconditional and the other is blackmail. I've been caught in that trap myself quite a few times. Coming face to face with the brutal honesty is that anyone that held that trap over my head never loved me to start with - and aren't going to no matter how many performances I succeed in for them. They will always find another one.

I generally tend to believe that most things in life are shades of gray. But love is black and white. It either is or it isn't. It can't be negotiated, bargained, or kept in line. The hardest thing is to walk away from a situation where you so desperately want someone's love but they don't give it. It is however, the best thing to do.

Letting Go of Emotional Pain

2008-02-27T21:03:00Z

Instinctively, we might think; why would anyone want to hold onto pain? Well, we don't want to. However, for whatever reason it seems to stick with us. Sometimes we don't even realize it because its in the background. It's not like we think about it constantly but its there; waiting to rear its ugly head.

Alot of what I've been learning lately is that it can shape us. It influences who we are; how we see the world. How we treat ourselves. That is the big key for me. How I treat myself. Specifically, how I 'speak' to myself in my head. The quick answer is that I am very hard on myself. I often find reasons to feel guilty for just about anything.

I used to joke that along with motherhood comes a heaping helping of guilt. From the very start you feel guilty about everything. Even during pregnancy, you guilt yourself into eating properly, exercising, resting; and if you don't do these things at any given time you feel guilty. Then if there is anything wrong during the pregnancy you feel responsible for it. Miscarraiges, is there a women out there that has ever experienced a miscarraige and not felt guilty for it?

Then there is the good mother syndrome. Our children can't catch a cold, scrape a knee, or get upset over a bully without us somehow feeling guilty about it. Either we weren't a good mother or we berate ourselves because we can't fix it for them. If our children misbehave and get in trouble the first thing we do is feel like we've failed as a mother.

The bad news is: it doesn't go away when they grow up either. Even when they are adults every time they experience something bad you instinctively want to fix it for them. You somehow feel responsible for their turmoil.

But not all emotional pain comes solely from guilt. Some of it comes from people that have truly hurt us in our lives in one way or another. Parents, family, friends, spouses, bosses, teachers, clergy, and anyone that touches our lives in any way can hurt us. For the most part, we get angry, hurt, and then let go of it. But I think many of us never really let go of it.

I think the tendency of not letting go has to do with us wanting to protect ourselves from that kind of hurt again. So we hang onto it as a way of making sure we are cautious not to get hurt again the same way. I'm not convinced that even works though. If someone is going to treat you the same way that you've been hurt before; you aren't going to see it coming ahead of time anyway.

The only way we can really be hurt is by someone or something we care about. So in order for someone to hurt us; we've already let them in past the 'firewall' of protection. As much as our instincts tell us to avoid pain; a lot of emotionally painful experiences are impossible to protect yourself against.

Take an abusive spouse for example. If that person was abusive the day you met them you wouldn't have let them in your life. It isn't until they are already past your defenses that they become abusive. At that point there is no way you are not going to be hurt by them. Of course, how long you tolerate the abuse is what you have control over. How long we endure pain is considerably different than avoiding it entirely.

So we can't really avoid it. Therefore, hanging onto it does us no good. When we hang onto it we often have an over-reaction when we are hurt again. The over-reaction is because all the previous hurt combines with the current hurt and it is overwhelming. So there we are, with all this cumulative hurt and anger bombarding us.

I think other reasons we hang onto the pain is because we think maybe someday it will get resolved. Someday we will be able to right the wrong or heal the wound. Chance are though, if you weren't able to resolve it when it happened you aren't ever going to resolve it. You might as well go ahead and lick your wounds and be done with it. That's really a challenge for me. I always want to resolve things and the ones that don't get resolved I hang onto.

Things like lies and cheating - what is the resolution? The person that lied is very seldom ever going to admit to it. A cheater has already cheated and they can't take it back. A simple "I'm sorry" doesn't do anything to resolve our hurt. So any type of resolution is very unlikely. If it is likely, then get the resolution right away and be done with it.

Things like childhood abuse shapes you. The negativity you got from people that were supposed to protect you has a very strong affect on how you treat yourself. That brain-speak is probably very often critical of you. Chances are you usually see the glass half empty. Why? Again, no surprises. If you expect the worst then you won't be hurt when it happens. Yaright! Tell me that works. If you expect the worst you may not enjoy when it doesn't happen; but you sure as heck aren't protected from being hurt when the worst does happen.

So looking at all these practical explanations of pains and why holding onto them is so impractical. So why is it so hard to let go of them? None of our arguments are sufficient. It has no healthy or worthwhile use for us to hang onto the pain and anger; except to torment us - the victim.

I don't have the answers. I struggle with this myself and I'm on the embarking phase of the journey. How to let go of those things that hurt and stop letting them continue to hurt us. It's easier to let go of the abusive relationship than the hurts and anger it infected you with.

You let go of the people that hurt you - but you continue to hurt yourself with the abuse playing over and over in your head. So how do you let go of that?

Stay tuned~

Standing on a Ledge

2008-02-13T08:02:00Z

There's a song out there, I think by Creed about standing six feet from the edge, and six feet from the bottom or something like that. The wording is off and it always drives me nuts because if he's six feet from the edge, he's not only six feet from the bottom; he's 12 feet from the bottom.

That's how my mind works. So damn analytical I make people laugh. For me two and two always have to equal four unless someone can provide me with explicit facts as to why it doesn't. "Just the facts" is how I think. If the facts don't add up then there is no theory.

It's a curse really. I don't fly by the seat of my pants with anything. The unknown terrifies me. That's why I've always taken jobs beneath my qualifications. It's why when I say anything definite I am overly sure that I am right. No room for mistakes. What that means is that I seldom say something definite unless I'm absolutely sure it is correct. So in my last few jobs I was overly qualified and knowledgeable and when I dug my heels in about something; I was always right.

Well now I can't do that work anymore. I've been through the poor me, and mourning of my 'career' that I worked so hard at. Now its time for me to wake up and realize that with the end of that career there is opportunity for what I can do now.

It's the American dream to be an independent businessperson who marches to their own tune. I do have several chronic illnesses that are going to be hurdles along the way. However, here I am on the ledge of being able to do that thing that I've dreamed of doing for so many years.

The catch isn't my illnesses; although they will be an issue at times and I'll have to incorporate them into my reinvention of myself. The real catch is that I am about to jump into something I don't already know. I don't have all the answers, I don't always know what to expect, I haven't been there and done it.

That is the hardest part. The part that terrifies me. The part that makes some people enthusiastic and excited instead scares me to death. There is where I have to start working the hardest.

Oh My Goodness I'm Tired

2008-02-12T07:32:00Z

Today was quite a full day for me. I won't go through the boring details of unclogging the Kirby vacuum cleaner. I'm sure anyone who has ever owned one knows how clogged they can get and what it takes to unclog them. This clog was a doozy; from the bag hose to the roller. I think I worked on it for an hour. For someone that only gets about 4 hours of good time a day it was a significant impact on my day. But I did get it done.

The more significant part of the day was this evening. On the suggestion of the counselor we went to family bowling night. The bowling alley has a $1 fee on Mondays so alot of families do their family bowling night on Mondays. However, this was different for us.

Of course it wasn't just us because the 17 year old had to invite other additional friends; but it was just us actually bowling. There definitely was some camaraderie in the whole evening. The girls played both serious games and even some silliness took place. What impressed me was the dynamic of them coming together and even trying some of the silly shots - like throwing the ball backwards from between their legs. What was hilarious was the strike one of them made doing that.

It was a successful family night. Now I am so tired I can't even think of anything but sleep. Actually I think all of us are pretty tired. Hopefully we will all sleep well tonight. Oh, and incidentally; mom won 2 out of 3 games.

Just another Rambling

2008-02-08T01:05:00Z

Ok so perhaps the Snow post was a little cornball. At the time it seemed significant. Sometimes the mind has to focus on simple things in order to refocus. That's what I've been busy at the past few days. Maybe the past few weeks and months; but mostly its been a struggle that I haven't made a lot of progress with. So its sort of self-defeating to admit to how long I've really been at it.

I'm trying to refocus. Too much of my energy is focused on negative 'energies' so to speak. There are plenty of those around and nearby at present, so its easy to go there. I've recently come to fully realize that while I am NOT one of those inclined to live in the past; I desperately avoid living in the present. My shelter has always been to live in the future. To dream, to wish, to hope, to pray for that future state. I don't deal with the present very well. Sunday nights I dread Monday. Monday I start thinking about Friday and the weekend. Friday's I worry about what I didn't get done all week. Today I worry about tomorrow.

I can get through today alright it seems, but mostly I'm avoiding it. It's like driving without ever looking where you are; only where you are going and on occasion where you've been.
I'm constantly dreaming. Someday, either through determination or luck; I'll get there. I will arrive. I will achieve that state of contentment. This current state sure isn't it, so its got to be out there somewhere in the future.

In the meantime, I'm currently miserable. Things are bad. Things are not going well and it seems every turn is another roadblock. This makes it even more difficult to live in the now. Now is someplace I don't want to be. Now is frightening, and unhappy, and painful; sick and penniless; so why would I want to be here?

So as I push myself to do what the counselors tell me I must do; I keep asking why would I want to be here anyway? I don't really know the answer. I guess if I don't learn to live in the now; I'll keep raising the bar on myself and always be miserable. I know the answer is in there, but why do I have to start out so low?

Snow

2008-02-02T03:16:00Z

Snow is quite inspiring for some. It really depends on whether you focus on the weather surrounding it or the miracle of snow itself. It has a very mystical effect on the world. When it snows everything is covered in white and it looks so clean. The snow also acts as insulation for noise so its very quiet. All the usual noises are muffled and so its both quiet and clean. It’s peaceful and a marvel as well. The way it accumulates on some trees and rocks it looks like frosting on a cinnamon roll.

Of course when we get engaged in our daily activities we tend to ruin the pristine state of the snow. We shovel it, track through it, plow it from the streets and splatter dirt and grime on it. We warm our houses so it melts from the roof; but if we are fortunate enough that it is still below freezing we do get some very interesting icicles where the water drops. By the time we get finished the snow is tramped, dirty, melted, piled up and out of our way. So the pristine state of the snow is even more precious; because we usually don’t have it for long.

I went up to Lake Tahoe the other day and noticed many undamaged areas of snow. It was so beautiful, I wish I could have captured its whole essence in my photos; but I don’t think my little pocket camera was up for the task. I was amused by the number of tracks and trails in the snow left solely by animals as if they got a kick out of running across a pristine field as much as kids do.

It’s a silly idea I suppose. But don’t you ever get the impression that animals really appreciate the wonders of nature much more than humans do? After all, we’re the ones that make a mess of the fresh, clean, quiet snow-fallen day. While you expect the animals to all be hidden in their warm dens; they are often outside playing in it. Perhaps they are smarter than we give them credit for. Perhaps they have a better handle on priorities than we do.