Random Ramblings of Dori Post
What I'm Thinking About Whatever.
Dori Post
The Flop House
I've heard it a thousand times. I've said it a thousand times myself. "We aren't running a flop house here." But I think back and remember my Grandmother frequently making up a bed for someone. I don't know if it was through the church or through the welfare office but she used to sometimes be making up a bed for people in the evening; after bedtime, for someone that came to them needing a place to sleep.
I remember her pulling out sheets, blankets and pillows and making a crisp, clean bed on the sofa that folded down flat or the spare room off the kitchen. It's a fuzzy memory. I don't remember any of the people she made the bed for. I do know that she took in children for Juvenile hall until they could be placed. Not ones that committed crimes but the ones that had been taken for other reasons. She might have them a night or for a couple weeks.
The moral of this story is that my Grandma could never turn away a person that needed a place to sleep. Neither could my mother. Neither can I.
Recently my daughter had a couple staying here. They had just come into town, back from out of town but the guy we knew from him living here previously. Unfortunately, they didn't tell us she was under age. She got picked up and sent home. That's happened to me before. Do I regret it? No, she needed a place to stay regardless and what was I to do? Make her sleep on the street because she was under 18? I don't think so.
More recently we've had a friend of my younger girls staying over some of the time. Her and her mom have been hit even harder than we have lately because she's a realtor. They've lost their home, etc. They have to stay out of the area with Grandma but the girl is still at school here. Mom is working 2 odd jobs at odd hours to try to keep money coming in. So sometimes its easier to have the girl stay here and catch the bus to/from school. Heck, I understand what they are going through. I understand what its like to need help. It's the least I can do.
So am I running a flop house? Maybe. If I am, then I'm proud of it. I don't think I'm taking unnecessary risks. But I just can't turn people in need away. I'm not out scooping up people off the street but if people I know come to my door and ask for help; and I can give it to them; then I will. Letting them sleep on my family room floor (on a mattress) is really no big sacrifice for me. A couple extra showers and maybe extra bowls of cereal in the morning just isn't going to send me to the streets. It's the very least I can offer.
I remember her pulling out sheets, blankets and pillows and making a crisp, clean bed on the sofa that folded down flat or the spare room off the kitchen. It's a fuzzy memory. I don't remember any of the people she made the bed for. I do know that she took in children for Juvenile hall until they could be placed. Not ones that committed crimes but the ones that had been taken for other reasons. She might have them a night or for a couple weeks.
The moral of this story is that my Grandma could never turn away a person that needed a place to sleep. Neither could my mother. Neither can I.
Recently my daughter had a couple staying here. They had just come into town, back from out of town but the guy we knew from him living here previously. Unfortunately, they didn't tell us she was under age. She got picked up and sent home. That's happened to me before. Do I regret it? No, she needed a place to stay regardless and what was I to do? Make her sleep on the street because she was under 18? I don't think so.
More recently we've had a friend of my younger girls staying over some of the time. Her and her mom have been hit even harder than we have lately because she's a realtor. They've lost their home, etc. They have to stay out of the area with Grandma but the girl is still at school here. Mom is working 2 odd jobs at odd hours to try to keep money coming in. So sometimes its easier to have the girl stay here and catch the bus to/from school. Heck, I understand what they are going through. I understand what its like to need help. It's the least I can do.
So am I running a flop house? Maybe. If I am, then I'm proud of it. I don't think I'm taking unnecessary risks. But I just can't turn people in need away. I'm not out scooping up people off the street but if people I know come to my door and ask for help; and I can give it to them; then I will. Letting them sleep on my family room floor (on a mattress) is really no big sacrifice for me. A couple extra showers and maybe extra bowls of cereal in the morning just isn't going to send me to the streets. It's the very least I can offer.
WomanHood
Lately I have been reading several magazines that are geared towards women, mostly older women. The main focus of magazines like these is women reinventing themselves, achieving their dreams, and finding success.
There is a lot of discussion about being your best, reclaiming your life, being yourself and finally overcoming whatever has been holding you back.
The thing I find disturbing is that these same points aren't as frequently directed to young women. Why aren't we teaching girls this in high school, in middle school, from day one? Why don't we teach girls to succeed and realize their dreams from the beginning? Why do we wait until their forties to encourage them to come forward?
I know history, and I understand the answer to the question. What troubles me is that I don't think we are pushing change as fast as we should. Too many women are still subservient and still put themselves in subservient and suppressed situations to the point of being indentured. The vast statistics of domestic abuse and underground slavery is staggering enough to prove we are not empowering women fast enough.
We need to work harder and faster to teach girls these things when they are young as well. I have three daughters and its more important to me for them to learn self defense and safety awareness skills than the bowling their high school took them to. I hope when my daughters are in their forties and they are looking at their lives they find they don't need a reinvention.
There is a lot of discussion about being your best, reclaiming your life, being yourself and finally overcoming whatever has been holding you back.
The thing I find disturbing is that these same points aren't as frequently directed to young women. Why aren't we teaching girls this in high school, in middle school, from day one? Why don't we teach girls to succeed and realize their dreams from the beginning? Why do we wait until their forties to encourage them to come forward?
I know history, and I understand the answer to the question. What troubles me is that I don't think we are pushing change as fast as we should. Too many women are still subservient and still put themselves in subservient and suppressed situations to the point of being indentured. The vast statistics of domestic abuse and underground slavery is staggering enough to prove we are not empowering women fast enough.
We need to work harder and faster to teach girls these things when they are young as well. I have three daughters and its more important to me for them to learn self defense and safety awareness skills than the bowling their high school took them to. I hope when my daughters are in their forties and they are looking at their lives they find they don't need a reinvention.
Root Beer Floats
In my early years of school I went to and from school to my grandparents house. In Kindergarten it was a public school just a few blocks from their house and in First and Second grade it was a Catholic School about ten blocks from their house. Approximately midway there was a small liquor store. On special days, or to pick up a gloomy day; one of those days where it was so dark it seemed like it was nighttime all day; my grandmother would let us stop at the liquor store for a special treat.
Our treat was always Rootbeer Floats. I don't really know why that was it but it was the supreme treat we could have. It was the ultimate special treat. Grandma would buy a half gallon of vanilla ice cream in the rectangular carton and a couple bottles of Hires Root Beer in glass bottles. We'd hurry home before the ice cream melted and she'd make us the floats as soon as we got home.
As the years have passed I have replaced Root Beer Floats with hot fudge sundaes and other things but if I ever come across one they still give me a very special feeling. It's a bright and cheerful feeling. Most of all, I miss my Grandma and wish she was here sharing a Rootbeer Float with me.
Our treat was always Rootbeer Floats. I don't really know why that was it but it was the supreme treat we could have. It was the ultimate special treat. Grandma would buy a half gallon of vanilla ice cream in the rectangular carton and a couple bottles of Hires Root Beer in glass bottles. We'd hurry home before the ice cream melted and she'd make us the floats as soon as we got home.
As the years have passed I have replaced Root Beer Floats with hot fudge sundaes and other things but if I ever come across one they still give me a very special feeling. It's a bright and cheerful feeling. Most of all, I miss my Grandma and wish she was here sharing a Rootbeer Float with me.
The American Dream Has Tarnished The Golden Rule
I grew up to have compassion and fear God, not people. I knew some may seek to harm me but was lead to believe that was relatively few and the masses were good Christian people like I was and we'd all live in harmony together. We'd work hard, love our children, do our jobs, lay blame where it belonged, and defend each other as we should. Boy was I wrong. Sad thing was, I bought it. I drank the Kool-aid. I believed.
Now I knew people didn't necessarily love their children; and what went on behind closed doors could be downright terrifying. I shifted from fearing God to pleading with him; neither of which seemed to help much. All in all; for the most part I've been protected from serious trauma. But I've had more than my fair share of difficulties. I've learned to lock my doors, protect my valuables and not trust so easily.
But the extent that people are just plain horrible to each other on a daily basis in the workplace, in public, in government, services, anywhere and the hatred and lack of compassion is just staggering. I am 48 years old and I am still amazed. In awe. I can't get accustomed to it. People just don't care for each other as a general rule. They only care for themselves.
I'm not the only one; so a lot of us must have drank the kool-aid because a lot of us are amazed at the inhumanity that is so rampant now. Look at our television, we promote bad behavior on television and this is what our children are watching!! They are desensitized to people lying, stealing, cheating to get what they want and winning is all that matters.
I don't think I want to get desensitized to the inhumanity of people. If I do then it means it's ok. I don't want for it to ever be ok. It means it will continue to be painful to me and hurt me. I'll just have to endure it and recuperate from it over and over again. Hopefully, someday we will again become a more compassionate society than we are now; but the American Dream has overtaken the Golden Rule at this point to an extent that frightening.
Now I knew people didn't necessarily love their children; and what went on behind closed doors could be downright terrifying. I shifted from fearing God to pleading with him; neither of which seemed to help much. All in all; for the most part I've been protected from serious trauma. But I've had more than my fair share of difficulties. I've learned to lock my doors, protect my valuables and not trust so easily.
But the extent that people are just plain horrible to each other on a daily basis in the workplace, in public, in government, services, anywhere and the hatred and lack of compassion is just staggering. I am 48 years old and I am still amazed. In awe. I can't get accustomed to it. People just don't care for each other as a general rule. They only care for themselves.
I'm not the only one; so a lot of us must have drank the kool-aid because a lot of us are amazed at the inhumanity that is so rampant now. Look at our television, we promote bad behavior on television and this is what our children are watching!! They are desensitized to people lying, stealing, cheating to get what they want and winning is all that matters.
I don't think I want to get desensitized to the inhumanity of people. If I do then it means it's ok. I don't want for it to ever be ok. It means it will continue to be painful to me and hurt me. I'll just have to endure it and recuperate from it over and over again. Hopefully, someday we will again become a more compassionate society than we are now; but the American Dream has overtaken the Golden Rule at this point to an extent that frightening.
My Ducks Are Gathering
They aren't in a row yet, but they are at least gathering around. I wonder sometimes if we are even meant to ever get our ducks in a row. It's a cute phrase, but are we so busy chasing something that's not meant to be? If all your ducks are in a row, isn't it kind of boring?
Ok that was definitely a random rant.
On the more serious note, things are coming together. At least I feel like they are. Of course late at night all the haunts of darkness make you uneasy. A person needs to learn to embrace the darkness and make it work for you. Aside from banking and doctor appointments, what can't you do during the odd hours of the night? Many stores are even open 24/7 now.
What I like most about daylight is views. Looking off in the distance to the mountains or the clouds in the sky. Watching clouds can be quite entertaining. Here we have these clouds that form over Lake Tahoe but then they will blow east and they get this smudged look from being blown. It's really unique and intriguing. I've tried to capture them with a camera but I haven't done it justice yet.
So I don't think I'm going to worry about having my ducks in a row. Rather just be glad they are gathered. The slight disarray keeps things interesting.
Ok that was definitely a random rant.
On the more serious note, things are coming together. At least I feel like they are. Of course late at night all the haunts of darkness make you uneasy. A person needs to learn to embrace the darkness and make it work for you. Aside from banking and doctor appointments, what can't you do during the odd hours of the night? Many stores are even open 24/7 now.
What I like most about daylight is views. Looking off in the distance to the mountains or the clouds in the sky. Watching clouds can be quite entertaining. Here we have these clouds that form over Lake Tahoe but then they will blow east and they get this smudged look from being blown. It's really unique and intriguing. I've tried to capture them with a camera but I haven't done it justice yet.
So I don't think I'm going to worry about having my ducks in a row. Rather just be glad they are gathered. The slight disarray keeps things interesting.
OK So I'm a Wimp
Yes, I finally admit it. I'm a Wimp. I give in and avoid confrontation. With the number of disagreements I've been known to argue to the death, I never would have guessed it. But I've finally come to realize that I only get to that point out of sheer desperation and frustration. Generally, there were countless opportunities for me to be more assertive long before it resulted in an uproar.
I let the kids skip their chores and I let them off their punishments. (Who really gets punished anyway, them or us?) I can barely make a phone call and seldom return items purchased unless there is a total failure. I rarely tell someone no if they ask for a favor or intrude on me.
So I need to go back to my assertiveness lessons and relearn them. I need to be more proactive and stern. I need to stop making excuses and stick to my declarations. No more letting the girls walk all over me. I think I've been making excuses because I've been so sick they have had to do more. Regardless, that's no excuse for letting things get out of hand.
I let the kids skip their chores and I let them off their punishments. (Who really gets punished anyway, them or us?) I can barely make a phone call and seldom return items purchased unless there is a total failure. I rarely tell someone no if they ask for a favor or intrude on me.
So I need to go back to my assertiveness lessons and relearn them. I need to be more proactive and stern. I need to stop making excuses and stick to my declarations. No more letting the girls walk all over me. I think I've been making excuses because I've been so sick they have had to do more. Regardless, that's no excuse for letting things get out of hand.
Assertiveness vs. Aggressiveness - Is there a difference for Women?
I've been to the assertiveness business seminar. I've read some books about being assertive. Despite all this education I've had on the subject; I'm still pretty much a doormat. I really didn't realize some of the subtler aspects of unhealthy and abusive relationships. The obvious ones everyone is aware of, even those submerged in one. However, the more subtle attributes I wasn't aware of until today. I have them here in writing; dishonesty, inequality, disrespect, irresponsibility. Some of those actions include; tries to control my life, tells me what to do, lies to me, uses manipulation or coercion, makes fun of me or calls me nasty names, dominates my time, does not like me to do things without them, their rights are most important, emotional outbursts, dominates and controls others.
So with this learning experience I also have designations for being assertive without being aggressive. I've been out there in the world a long time. I worked almost 30 years in a predominately male profession. I can not think of a time where any assertive woman was not considered aggressive. Now granted, I accept that many people don't know the difference. But unless a woman is a doormat, especially in the workplace; she is considered aggressive.
Rather than gloss over it let's just admit to it being the B-word. If you don't take it all quietly and are passive to everyone's bad behavior; other women included (and they often are worse than the men); then you are labeled with the B-word.
Then again, has any woman ever NOT been called that at some time or another? If it is inevitable, then why try so hard to avoid it? Do what is best for your own self-esteem and self preservation and stop worrying so much about that word.
The best we can do is be sure we are being assertive rather than aggressive in our behavior but not expect others to know the difference. Expect to get called the B-word regardless; and wind up with a healthy life and healthy relationships.
So with this learning experience I also have designations for being assertive without being aggressive. I've been out there in the world a long time. I worked almost 30 years in a predominately male profession. I can not think of a time where any assertive woman was not considered aggressive. Now granted, I accept that many people don't know the difference. But unless a woman is a doormat, especially in the workplace; she is considered aggressive.
Rather than gloss over it let's just admit to it being the B-word. If you don't take it all quietly and are passive to everyone's bad behavior; other women included (and they often are worse than the men); then you are labeled with the B-word.
Then again, has any woman ever NOT been called that at some time or another? If it is inevitable, then why try so hard to avoid it? Do what is best for your own self-esteem and self preservation and stop worrying so much about that word.
The best we can do is be sure we are being assertive rather than aggressive in our behavior but not expect others to know the difference. Expect to get called the B-word regardless; and wind up with a healthy life and healthy relationships.
I've Had It !!
My daughter lost another friend to a drug overdose. It happened a day after the friend had promised her that the drug use was over. She's going through all the mixed emotions of grief. They of course range from being heartbroken to being angry. This friend was one that had been around for years. Even the twins knew this one and were fond of him. I'm angry. My daughter has been working so hard to get her life back on track from the last loss.
I'm angry too. I'm angry because I'm fed up with consoling my kids through the death of another friend. I'm angry because it's become a way-to-frequent occurrence. Suicide, car accidents, drug use. Death of their friends is so common they are having to become numb to survive it all.
Children aren't supposed to be faced with these kinds of losses during their childhood. They are not supposed to have to deal with the realities of life before they are old enough to grasp the concept; let alone the experience. I don't know what to say anymore. It sounds trite to tell them "that's just life". At the same time, it's so difficult to keep it from derailing them.
My daughter was derailed about 4 years ago when her friend and class partner in math committed suicide one night after school. She had had quite a few intense, personal conversations with him and never had any indication he was suicidal. She was in shock and disbelief. She had to go to class and sit next to the empty chair. She shut down. First her math grade went down. Then all her classes went down. Then she started getting sick a lot. She got so she couldn't handle anything. She was totally derailed and it took a very long time for her to get back on track. That school year was pretty much a total loss.
Since then she's had other friends die and had to try to deal with it. She had boyfriend issues that took a huge emotional toll on her. She had home life issues with me being sick and her brothers moving away.
Seriously, I should have gotten her more counseling much sooner. I kept expecting her to get back on track and manage. My conversation with her tonight had a little more "you've been through this before, you are stronger now" than total shock. She now accepts the anger with the tears. Hopefully she will get through this one without too much collateral damage.
I'm just getting fed up with the number of our young dying for no reason.
I'm angry too. I'm angry because I'm fed up with consoling my kids through the death of another friend. I'm angry because it's become a way-to-frequent occurrence. Suicide, car accidents, drug use. Death of their friends is so common they are having to become numb to survive it all.
Children aren't supposed to be faced with these kinds of losses during their childhood. They are not supposed to have to deal with the realities of life before they are old enough to grasp the concept; let alone the experience. I don't know what to say anymore. It sounds trite to tell them "that's just life". At the same time, it's so difficult to keep it from derailing them.
My daughter was derailed about 4 years ago when her friend and class partner in math committed suicide one night after school. She had had quite a few intense, personal conversations with him and never had any indication he was suicidal. She was in shock and disbelief. She had to go to class and sit next to the empty chair. She shut down. First her math grade went down. Then all her classes went down. Then she started getting sick a lot. She got so she couldn't handle anything. She was totally derailed and it took a very long time for her to get back on track. That school year was pretty much a total loss.
Since then she's had other friends die and had to try to deal with it. She had boyfriend issues that took a huge emotional toll on her. She had home life issues with me being sick and her brothers moving away.
Seriously, I should have gotten her more counseling much sooner. I kept expecting her to get back on track and manage. My conversation with her tonight had a little more "you've been through this before, you are stronger now" than total shock. She now accepts the anger with the tears. Hopefully she will get through this one without too much collateral damage.
I'm just getting fed up with the number of our young dying for no reason.
Unconditional Love vs. Understanding
Every day I see so many people trying to get their family and friends to understand their illnesses, feelings, etc. in order to be loved. Someone else actually planted this train of thought in my head so I can't take full credit. But I decided I'd run with it here.
If true love is unconditional - then understanding has nothing to do with it. Trying to get someone to understand something about you in order for them to love you is futile.
I suppose that is too black and white. If someone truly loves you but doesn't understand something about you - like your illness - does that mean they no longer love you? Or does it mean that it doesn't matter what they understand about your illness - they are going to continue to love you irregardless?
I know that I love my children unconditionally. I doesn't mean I always understand everything about them. So a lot of people are frantically trying to seek understanding when in fact it has no bearing on love. If someone is holding their interpretation of something over you as to whether or not they will love you then you might as well let them go because they don't already love you unconditionally.
Conditional love is a trap. It isn't love. Love is unconditional and the other is blackmail. I've been caught in that trap myself quite a few times. Coming face to face with the brutal honesty is that anyone that held that trap over my head never loved me to start with - and aren't going to no matter how many performances I succeed in for them. They will always find another one.
I generally tend to believe that most things in life are shades of gray. But love is black and white. It either is or it isn't. It can't be negotiated, bargained, or kept in line. The hardest thing is to walk away from a situation where you so desperately want someone's love but they don't give it. It is however, the best thing to do.
If true love is unconditional - then understanding has nothing to do with it. Trying to get someone to understand something about you in order for them to love you is futile.
I suppose that is too black and white. If someone truly loves you but doesn't understand something about you - like your illness - does that mean they no longer love you? Or does it mean that it doesn't matter what they understand about your illness - they are going to continue to love you irregardless?
I know that I love my children unconditionally. I doesn't mean I always understand everything about them. So a lot of people are frantically trying to seek understanding when in fact it has no bearing on love. If someone is holding their interpretation of something over you as to whether or not they will love you then you might as well let them go because they don't already love you unconditionally.
Conditional love is a trap. It isn't love. Love is unconditional and the other is blackmail. I've been caught in that trap myself quite a few times. Coming face to face with the brutal honesty is that anyone that held that trap over my head never loved me to start with - and aren't going to no matter how many performances I succeed in for them. They will always find another one.
I generally tend to believe that most things in life are shades of gray. But love is black and white. It either is or it isn't. It can't be negotiated, bargained, or kept in line. The hardest thing is to walk away from a situation where you so desperately want someone's love but they don't give it. It is however, the best thing to do.
Letting Go of Emotional Pain
Instinctively, we might think; why would anyone want to hold onto pain? Well, we don't want to. However, for whatever reason it seems to stick with us. Sometimes we don't even realize it because its in the background. It's not like we think about it constantly but its there; waiting to rear its ugly head.
Alot of what I've been learning lately is that it can shape us. It influences who we are; how we see the world. How we treat ourselves. That is the big key for me. How I treat myself. Specifically, how I 'speak' to myself in my head. The quick answer is that I am very hard on myself. I often find reasons to feel guilty for just about anything.
I used to joke that along with motherhood comes a heaping helping of guilt. From the very start you feel guilty about everything. Even during pregnancy, you guilt yourself into eating properly, exercising, resting; and if you don't do these things at any given time you feel guilty. Then if there is anything wrong during the pregnancy you feel responsible for it. Miscarraiges, is there a women out there that has ever experienced a miscarraige and not felt guilty for it?
Then there is the good mother syndrome. Our children can't catch a cold, scrape a knee, or get upset over a bully without us somehow feeling guilty about it. Either we weren't a good mother or we berate ourselves because we can't fix it for them. If our children misbehave and get in trouble the first thing we do is feel like we've failed as a mother.
The bad news is: it doesn't go away when they grow up either. Even when they are adults every time they experience something bad you instinctively want to fix it for them. You somehow feel responsible for their turmoil.
But not all emotional pain comes solely from guilt. Some of it comes from people that have truly hurt us in our lives in one way or another. Parents, family, friends, spouses, bosses, teachers, clergy, and anyone that touches our lives in any way can hurt us. For the most part, we get angry, hurt, and then let go of it. But I think many of us never really let go of it.
I think the tendency of not letting go has to do with us wanting to protect ourselves from that kind of hurt again. So we hang onto it as a way of making sure we are cautious not to get hurt again the same way. I'm not convinced that even works though. If someone is going to treat you the same way that you've been hurt before; you aren't going to see it coming ahead of time anyway.
The only way we can really be hurt is by someone or something we care about. So in order for someone to hurt us; we've already let them in past the 'firewall' of protection. As much as our instincts tell us to avoid pain; a lot of emotionally painful experiences are impossible to protect yourself against.
Take an abusive spouse for example. If that person was abusive the day you met them you wouldn't have let them in your life. It isn't until they are already past your defenses that they become abusive. At that point there is no way you are not going to be hurt by them. Of course, how long you tolerate the abuse is what you have control over. How long we endure pain is considerably different than avoiding it entirely.
So we can't really avoid it. Therefore, hanging onto it does us no good. When we hang onto it we often have an over-reaction when we are hurt again. The over-reaction is because all the previous hurt combines with the current hurt and it is overwhelming. So there we are, with all this cumulative hurt and anger bombarding us.
I think other reasons we hang onto the pain is because we think maybe someday it will get resolved. Someday we will be able to right the wrong or heal the wound. Chance are though, if you weren't able to resolve it when it happened you aren't ever going to resolve it. You might as well go ahead and lick your wounds and be done with it. That's really a challenge for me. I always want to resolve things and the ones that don't get resolved I hang onto.
Things like lies and cheating - what is the resolution? The person that lied is very seldom ever going to admit to it. A cheater has already cheated and they can't take it back. A simple "I'm sorry" doesn't do anything to resolve our hurt. So any type of resolution is very unlikely. If it is likely, then get the resolution right away and be done with it.
Things like childhood abuse shapes you. The negativity you got from people that were supposed to protect you has a very strong affect on how you treat yourself. That brain-speak is probably very often critical of you. Chances are you usually see the glass half empty. Why? Again, no surprises. If you expect the worst then you won't be hurt when it happens. Yaright! Tell me that works. If you expect the worst you may not enjoy when it doesn't happen; but you sure as heck aren't protected from being hurt when the worst does happen.
So looking at all these practical explanations of pains and why holding onto them is so impractical. So why is it so hard to let go of them? None of our arguments are sufficient. It has no healthy or worthwhile use for us to hang onto the pain and anger; except to torment us - the victim.
I don't have the answers. I struggle with this myself and I'm on the embarking phase of the journey. How to let go of those things that hurt and stop letting them continue to hurt us. It's easier to let go of the abusive relationship than the hurts and anger it infected you with.
You let go of the people that hurt you - but you continue to hurt yourself with the abuse playing over and over in your head. So how do you let go of that?
Stay tuned~
Alot of what I've been learning lately is that it can shape us. It influences who we are; how we see the world. How we treat ourselves. That is the big key for me. How I treat myself. Specifically, how I 'speak' to myself in my head. The quick answer is that I am very hard on myself. I often find reasons to feel guilty for just about anything.
I used to joke that along with motherhood comes a heaping helping of guilt. From the very start you feel guilty about everything. Even during pregnancy, you guilt yourself into eating properly, exercising, resting; and if you don't do these things at any given time you feel guilty. Then if there is anything wrong during the pregnancy you feel responsible for it. Miscarraiges, is there a women out there that has ever experienced a miscarraige and not felt guilty for it?
Then there is the good mother syndrome. Our children can't catch a cold, scrape a knee, or get upset over a bully without us somehow feeling guilty about it. Either we weren't a good mother or we berate ourselves because we can't fix it for them. If our children misbehave and get in trouble the first thing we do is feel like we've failed as a mother.
The bad news is: it doesn't go away when they grow up either. Even when they are adults every time they experience something bad you instinctively want to fix it for them. You somehow feel responsible for their turmoil.
But not all emotional pain comes solely from guilt. Some of it comes from people that have truly hurt us in our lives in one way or another. Parents, family, friends, spouses, bosses, teachers, clergy, and anyone that touches our lives in any way can hurt us. For the most part, we get angry, hurt, and then let go of it. But I think many of us never really let go of it.
I think the tendency of not letting go has to do with us wanting to protect ourselves from that kind of hurt again. So we hang onto it as a way of making sure we are cautious not to get hurt again the same way. I'm not convinced that even works though. If someone is going to treat you the same way that you've been hurt before; you aren't going to see it coming ahead of time anyway.
The only way we can really be hurt is by someone or something we care about. So in order for someone to hurt us; we've already let them in past the 'firewall' of protection. As much as our instincts tell us to avoid pain; a lot of emotionally painful experiences are impossible to protect yourself against.
Take an abusive spouse for example. If that person was abusive the day you met them you wouldn't have let them in your life. It isn't until they are already past your defenses that they become abusive. At that point there is no way you are not going to be hurt by them. Of course, how long you tolerate the abuse is what you have control over. How long we endure pain is considerably different than avoiding it entirely.
So we can't really avoid it. Therefore, hanging onto it does us no good. When we hang onto it we often have an over-reaction when we are hurt again. The over-reaction is because all the previous hurt combines with the current hurt and it is overwhelming. So there we are, with all this cumulative hurt and anger bombarding us.
I think other reasons we hang onto the pain is because we think maybe someday it will get resolved. Someday we will be able to right the wrong or heal the wound. Chance are though, if you weren't able to resolve it when it happened you aren't ever going to resolve it. You might as well go ahead and lick your wounds and be done with it. That's really a challenge for me. I always want to resolve things and the ones that don't get resolved I hang onto.
Things like lies and cheating - what is the resolution? The person that lied is very seldom ever going to admit to it. A cheater has already cheated and they can't take it back. A simple "I'm sorry" doesn't do anything to resolve our hurt. So any type of resolution is very unlikely. If it is likely, then get the resolution right away and be done with it.
Things like childhood abuse shapes you. The negativity you got from people that were supposed to protect you has a very strong affect on how you treat yourself. That brain-speak is probably very often critical of you. Chances are you usually see the glass half empty. Why? Again, no surprises. If you expect the worst then you won't be hurt when it happens. Yaright! Tell me that works. If you expect the worst you may not enjoy when it doesn't happen; but you sure as heck aren't protected from being hurt when the worst does happen.
So looking at all these practical explanations of pains and why holding onto them is so impractical. So why is it so hard to let go of them? None of our arguments are sufficient. It has no healthy or worthwhile use for us to hang onto the pain and anger; except to torment us - the victim.
I don't have the answers. I struggle with this myself and I'm on the embarking phase of the journey. How to let go of those things that hurt and stop letting them continue to hurt us. It's easier to let go of the abusive relationship than the hurts and anger it infected you with.
You let go of the people that hurt you - but you continue to hurt yourself with the abuse playing over and over in your head. So how do you let go of that?
Stay tuned~