The Random Ramblings of Dori Post
What I think about whatever.
Dori Post
My Ducks Are Gathering
They aren't in a row yet, but they are at least gathering around. I wonder sometimes if we are even meant to ever get our ducks in a row. It's a cute phrase, but are we so busy chasing something that's not meant to be? If all your ducks are in a row, isn't it kind of boring?
Ok that was definitely a random rant.
On the more serious note, things are coming together. At least I feel like they are. Of course late at night all the haunts of darkness make you uneasy. A person needs to learn to embrace the darkness and make it work for you. Aside from banking and doctor appointments, what can't you do during the odd hours of the night? Many stores are even open 24/7 now.
What I like most about daylight is views. Looking off in the distance to the mountains or the clouds in the sky. Watching clouds can be quite entertaining. Here we have these clouds that form over Lake Tahoe but then they will blow east and they get this smudged look from being blown. It's really unique and intriguing. I've tried to capture them with a camera but I haven't done it justice yet.
So I don't think I'm going to worry about having my ducks in a row. Rather just be glad they are gathered. The slight disarray keeps things interesting.
Ok that was definitely a random rant.
On the more serious note, things are coming together. At least I feel like they are. Of course late at night all the haunts of darkness make you uneasy. A person needs to learn to embrace the darkness and make it work for you. Aside from banking and doctor appointments, what can't you do during the odd hours of the night? Many stores are even open 24/7 now.
What I like most about daylight is views. Looking off in the distance to the mountains or the clouds in the sky. Watching clouds can be quite entertaining. Here we have these clouds that form over Lake Tahoe but then they will blow east and they get this smudged look from being blown. It's really unique and intriguing. I've tried to capture them with a camera but I haven't done it justice yet.
So I don't think I'm going to worry about having my ducks in a row. Rather just be glad they are gathered. The slight disarray keeps things interesting.
OK So I'm a Wimp
Yes, I finally admit it. I'm a Wimp. I give in and avoid confrontation. With the number of disagreements I've been known to argue to the death, I never would have guessed it. But I've finally come to realize that I only get to that point out of sheer desperation and frustration. Generally, there were countless opportunities for me to be more assertive long before it resulted in an uproar.
I let the kids skip their chores and I let them off their punishments. (Who really gets punished anyway, them or us?) I can barely make a phone call and seldom return items purchased unless there is a total failure. I rarely tell someone no if they ask for a favor or intrude on me.
So I need to go back to my assertiveness lessons and relearn them. I need to be more proactive and stern. I need to stop making excuses and stick to my declarations. No more letting the girls walk all over me. I think I've been making excuses because I've been so sick they have had to do more. Regardless, that's no excuse for letting things get out of hand.
I let the kids skip their chores and I let them off their punishments. (Who really gets punished anyway, them or us?) I can barely make a phone call and seldom return items purchased unless there is a total failure. I rarely tell someone no if they ask for a favor or intrude on me.
So I need to go back to my assertiveness lessons and relearn them. I need to be more proactive and stern. I need to stop making excuses and stick to my declarations. No more letting the girls walk all over me. I think I've been making excuses because I've been so sick they have had to do more. Regardless, that's no excuse for letting things get out of hand.
Assertiveness vs. Aggressiveness - Is there a difference for Women?
I've been to the assertiveness business seminar. I've read some books about being assertive. Despite all this education I've had on the subject; I'm still pretty much a doormat. I really didn't realize some of the subtler aspects of unhealthy and abusive relationships. The obvious ones everyone is aware of, even those submerged in one. However, the more subtle attributes I wasn't aware of until today. I have them here in writing; dishonesty, inequality, disrespect, irresponsibility. Some of those actions include; tries to control my life, tells me what to do, lies to me, uses manipulation or coercion, makes fun of me or calls me nasty names, dominates my time, does not like me to do things without them, their rights are most important, emotional outbursts, dominates and controls others.
So with this learning experience I also have designations for being assertive without being aggressive. I've been out there in the world a long time. I worked almost 30 years in a predominately male profession. I can not think of a time where any assertive woman was not considered aggressive. Now granted, I accept that many people don't know the difference. But unless a woman is a doormat, especially in the workplace; she is considered aggressive.
Rather than gloss over it let's just admit to it being the B-word. If you don't take it all quietly and are passive to everyone's bad behavior; other women included (and they often are worse than the men); then you are labeled with the B-word.
Then again, has any woman ever NOT been called that at some time or another? If it is inevitable, then why try so hard to avoid it? Do what is best for your own self-esteem and self preservation and stop worrying so much about that word.
The best we can do is be sure we are being assertive rather than aggressive in our behavior but not expect others to know the difference. Expect to get called the B-word regardless; and wind up with a healthy life and healthy relationships.
So with this learning experience I also have designations for being assertive without being aggressive. I've been out there in the world a long time. I worked almost 30 years in a predominately male profession. I can not think of a time where any assertive woman was not considered aggressive. Now granted, I accept that many people don't know the difference. But unless a woman is a doormat, especially in the workplace; she is considered aggressive.
Rather than gloss over it let's just admit to it being the B-word. If you don't take it all quietly and are passive to everyone's bad behavior; other women included (and they often are worse than the men); then you are labeled with the B-word.
Then again, has any woman ever NOT been called that at some time or another? If it is inevitable, then why try so hard to avoid it? Do what is best for your own self-esteem and self preservation and stop worrying so much about that word.
The best we can do is be sure we are being assertive rather than aggressive in our behavior but not expect others to know the difference. Expect to get called the B-word regardless; and wind up with a healthy life and healthy relationships.
I've Had It !!
My daughter lost another friend to a drug overdose. It happened a day after the friend had promised her that the drug use was over. She's going through all the mixed emotions of grief. They of course range from being heartbroken to being angry. This friend was one that had been around for years. Even the twins knew this one and were fond of him. I'm angry. My daughter has been working so hard to get her life back on track from the last loss.
I'm angry too. I'm angry because I'm fed up with consoling my kids through the death of another friend. I'm angry because it's become a way-to-frequent occurrence. Suicide, car accidents, drug use. Death of their friends is so common they are having to become numb to survive it all.
Children aren't supposed to be faced with these kinds of losses during their childhood. They are not supposed to have to deal with the realities of life before they are old enough to grasp the concept; let alone the experience. I don't know what to say anymore. It sounds trite to tell them "that's just life". At the same time, it's so difficult to keep it from derailing them.
My daughter was derailed about 4 years ago when her friend and class partner in math committed suicide one night after school. She had had quite a few intense, personal conversations with him and never had any indication he was suicidal. She was in shock and disbelief. She had to go to class and sit next to the empty chair. She shut down. First her math grade went down. Then all her classes went down. Then she started getting sick a lot. She got so she couldn't handle anything. She was totally derailed and it took a very long time for her to get back on track. That school year was pretty much a total loss.
Since then she's had other friends die and had to try to deal with it. She had boyfriend issues that took a huge emotional toll on her. She had home life issues with me being sick and her brothers moving away.
Seriously, I should have gotten her more counseling much sooner. I kept expecting her to get back on track and manage. My conversation with her tonight had a little more "you've been through this before, you are stronger now" than total shock. She now accepts the anger with the tears. Hopefully she will get through this one without too much collateral damage.
I'm just getting fed up with the number of our young dying for no reason.
I'm angry too. I'm angry because I'm fed up with consoling my kids through the death of another friend. I'm angry because it's become a way-to-frequent occurrence. Suicide, car accidents, drug use. Death of their friends is so common they are having to become numb to survive it all.
Children aren't supposed to be faced with these kinds of losses during their childhood. They are not supposed to have to deal with the realities of life before they are old enough to grasp the concept; let alone the experience. I don't know what to say anymore. It sounds trite to tell them "that's just life". At the same time, it's so difficult to keep it from derailing them.
My daughter was derailed about 4 years ago when her friend and class partner in math committed suicide one night after school. She had had quite a few intense, personal conversations with him and never had any indication he was suicidal. She was in shock and disbelief. She had to go to class and sit next to the empty chair. She shut down. First her math grade went down. Then all her classes went down. Then she started getting sick a lot. She got so she couldn't handle anything. She was totally derailed and it took a very long time for her to get back on track. That school year was pretty much a total loss.
Since then she's had other friends die and had to try to deal with it. She had boyfriend issues that took a huge emotional toll on her. She had home life issues with me being sick and her brothers moving away.
Seriously, I should have gotten her more counseling much sooner. I kept expecting her to get back on track and manage. My conversation with her tonight had a little more "you've been through this before, you are stronger now" than total shock. She now accepts the anger with the tears. Hopefully she will get through this one without too much collateral damage.
I'm just getting fed up with the number of our young dying for no reason.
Unconditional Love vs. Understanding
Every day I see so many people trying to get their family and friends to understand their illnesses, feelings, etc. in order to be loved. Someone else actually planted this train of thought in my head so I can't take full credit. But I decided I'd run with it here.
If true love is unconditional - then understanding has nothing to do with it. Trying to get someone to understand something about you in order for them to love you is futile.
I suppose that is too black and white. If someone truly loves you but doesn't understand something about you - like your illness - does that mean they no longer love you? Or does it mean that it doesn't matter what they understand about your illness - they are going to continue to love you irregardless?
I know that I love my children unconditionally. I doesn't mean I always understand everything about them. So a lot of people are frantically trying to seek understanding when in fact it has no bearing on love. If someone is holding their interpretation of something over you as to whether or not they will love you then you might as well let them go because they don't already love you unconditionally.
Conditional love is a trap. It isn't love. Love is unconditional and the other is blackmail. I've been caught in that trap myself quite a few times. Coming face to face with the brutal honesty is that anyone that held that trap over my head never loved me to start with - and aren't going to no matter how many performances I succeed in for them. They will always find another one.
I generally tend to believe that most things in life are shades of gray. But love is black and white. It either is or it isn't. It can't be negotiated, bargained, or kept in line. The hardest thing is to walk away from a situation where you so desperately want someone's love but they don't give it. It is however, the best thing to do.
If true love is unconditional - then understanding has nothing to do with it. Trying to get someone to understand something about you in order for them to love you is futile.
I suppose that is too black and white. If someone truly loves you but doesn't understand something about you - like your illness - does that mean they no longer love you? Or does it mean that it doesn't matter what they understand about your illness - they are going to continue to love you irregardless?
I know that I love my children unconditionally. I doesn't mean I always understand everything about them. So a lot of people are frantically trying to seek understanding when in fact it has no bearing on love. If someone is holding their interpretation of something over you as to whether or not they will love you then you might as well let them go because they don't already love you unconditionally.
Conditional love is a trap. It isn't love. Love is unconditional and the other is blackmail. I've been caught in that trap myself quite a few times. Coming face to face with the brutal honesty is that anyone that held that trap over my head never loved me to start with - and aren't going to no matter how many performances I succeed in for them. They will always find another one.
I generally tend to believe that most things in life are shades of gray. But love is black and white. It either is or it isn't. It can't be negotiated, bargained, or kept in line. The hardest thing is to walk away from a situation where you so desperately want someone's love but they don't give it. It is however, the best thing to do.
Letting Go of Emotional Pain
Instinctively, we might think; why would anyone want to hold onto pain? Well, we don't want to. However, for whatever reason it seems to stick with us. Sometimes we don't even realize it because its in the background. It's not like we think about it constantly but its there; waiting to rear its ugly head.
Alot of what I've been learning lately is that it can shape us. It influences who we are; how we see the world. How we treat ourselves. That is the big key for me. How I treat myself. Specifically, how I 'speak' to myself in my head. The quick answer is that I am very hard on myself. I often find reasons to feel guilty for just about anything.
I used to joke that along with motherhood comes a heaping helping of guilt. From the very start you feel guilty about everything. Even during pregnancy, you guilt yourself into eating properly, exercising, resting; and if you don't do these things at any given time you feel guilty. Then if there is anything wrong during the pregnancy you feel responsible for it. Miscarraiges, is there a women out there that has ever experienced a miscarraige and not felt guilty for it?
Then there is the good mother syndrome. Our children can't catch a cold, scrape a knee, or get upset over a bully without us somehow feeling guilty about it. Either we weren't a good mother or we berate ourselves because we can't fix it for them. If our children misbehave and get in trouble the first thing we do is feel like we've failed as a mother.
The bad news is: it doesn't go away when they grow up either. Even when they are adults every time they experience something bad you instinctively want to fix it for them. You somehow feel responsible for their turmoil.
But not all emotional pain comes solely from guilt. Some of it comes from people that have truly hurt us in our lives in one way or another. Parents, family, friends, spouses, bosses, teachers, clergy, and anyone that touches our lives in any way can hurt us. For the most part, we get angry, hurt, and then let go of it. But I think many of us never really let go of it.
I think the tendency of not letting go has to do with us wanting to protect ourselves from that kind of hurt again. So we hang onto it as a way of making sure we are cautious not to get hurt again the same way. I'm not convinced that even works though. If someone is going to treat you the same way that you've been hurt before; you aren't going to see it coming ahead of time anyway.
The only way we can really be hurt is by someone or something we care about. So in order for someone to hurt us; we've already let them in past the 'firewall' of protection. As much as our instincts tell us to avoid pain; a lot of emotionally painful experiences are impossible to protect yourself against.
Take an abusive spouse for example. If that person was abusive the day you met them you wouldn't have let them in your life. It isn't until they are already past your defenses that they become abusive. At that point there is no way you are not going to be hurt by them. Of course, how long you tolerate the abuse is what you have control over. How long we endure pain is considerably different than avoiding it entirely.
So we can't really avoid it. Therefore, hanging onto it does us no good. When we hang onto it we often have an over-reaction when we are hurt again. The over-reaction is because all the previous hurt combines with the current hurt and it is overwhelming. So there we are, with all this cumulative hurt and anger bombarding us.
I think other reasons we hang onto the pain is because we think maybe someday it will get resolved. Someday we will be able to right the wrong or heal the wound. Chance are though, if you weren't able to resolve it when it happened you aren't ever going to resolve it. You might as well go ahead and lick your wounds and be done with it. That's really a challenge for me. I always want to resolve things and the ones that don't get resolved I hang onto.
Things like lies and cheating - what is the resolution? The person that lied is very seldom ever going to admit to it. A cheater has already cheated and they can't take it back. A simple "I'm sorry" doesn't do anything to resolve our hurt. So any type of resolution is very unlikely. If it is likely, then get the resolution right away and be done with it.
Things like childhood abuse shapes you. The negativity you got from people that were supposed to protect you has a very strong affect on how you treat yourself. That brain-speak is probably very often critical of you. Chances are you usually see the glass half empty. Why? Again, no surprises. If you expect the worst then you won't be hurt when it happens. Yaright! Tell me that works. If you expect the worst you may not enjoy when it doesn't happen; but you sure as heck aren't protected from being hurt when the worst does happen.
So looking at all these practical explanations of pains and why holding onto them is so impractical. So why is it so hard to let go of them? None of our arguments are sufficient. It has no healthy or worthwhile use for us to hang onto the pain and anger; except to torment us - the victim.
I don't have the answers. I struggle with this myself and I'm on the embarking phase of the journey. How to let go of those things that hurt and stop letting them continue to hurt us. It's easier to let go of the abusive relationship than the hurts and anger it infected you with.
You let go of the people that hurt you - but you continue to hurt yourself with the abuse playing over and over in your head. So how do you let go of that?
Stay tuned~
Alot of what I've been learning lately is that it can shape us. It influences who we are; how we see the world. How we treat ourselves. That is the big key for me. How I treat myself. Specifically, how I 'speak' to myself in my head. The quick answer is that I am very hard on myself. I often find reasons to feel guilty for just about anything.
I used to joke that along with motherhood comes a heaping helping of guilt. From the very start you feel guilty about everything. Even during pregnancy, you guilt yourself into eating properly, exercising, resting; and if you don't do these things at any given time you feel guilty. Then if there is anything wrong during the pregnancy you feel responsible for it. Miscarraiges, is there a women out there that has ever experienced a miscarraige and not felt guilty for it?
Then there is the good mother syndrome. Our children can't catch a cold, scrape a knee, or get upset over a bully without us somehow feeling guilty about it. Either we weren't a good mother or we berate ourselves because we can't fix it for them. If our children misbehave and get in trouble the first thing we do is feel like we've failed as a mother.
The bad news is: it doesn't go away when they grow up either. Even when they are adults every time they experience something bad you instinctively want to fix it for them. You somehow feel responsible for their turmoil.
But not all emotional pain comes solely from guilt. Some of it comes from people that have truly hurt us in our lives in one way or another. Parents, family, friends, spouses, bosses, teachers, clergy, and anyone that touches our lives in any way can hurt us. For the most part, we get angry, hurt, and then let go of it. But I think many of us never really let go of it.
I think the tendency of not letting go has to do with us wanting to protect ourselves from that kind of hurt again. So we hang onto it as a way of making sure we are cautious not to get hurt again the same way. I'm not convinced that even works though. If someone is going to treat you the same way that you've been hurt before; you aren't going to see it coming ahead of time anyway.
The only way we can really be hurt is by someone or something we care about. So in order for someone to hurt us; we've already let them in past the 'firewall' of protection. As much as our instincts tell us to avoid pain; a lot of emotionally painful experiences are impossible to protect yourself against.
Take an abusive spouse for example. If that person was abusive the day you met them you wouldn't have let them in your life. It isn't until they are already past your defenses that they become abusive. At that point there is no way you are not going to be hurt by them. Of course, how long you tolerate the abuse is what you have control over. How long we endure pain is considerably different than avoiding it entirely.
So we can't really avoid it. Therefore, hanging onto it does us no good. When we hang onto it we often have an over-reaction when we are hurt again. The over-reaction is because all the previous hurt combines with the current hurt and it is overwhelming. So there we are, with all this cumulative hurt and anger bombarding us.
I think other reasons we hang onto the pain is because we think maybe someday it will get resolved. Someday we will be able to right the wrong or heal the wound. Chance are though, if you weren't able to resolve it when it happened you aren't ever going to resolve it. You might as well go ahead and lick your wounds and be done with it. That's really a challenge for me. I always want to resolve things and the ones that don't get resolved I hang onto.
Things like lies and cheating - what is the resolution? The person that lied is very seldom ever going to admit to it. A cheater has already cheated and they can't take it back. A simple "I'm sorry" doesn't do anything to resolve our hurt. So any type of resolution is very unlikely. If it is likely, then get the resolution right away and be done with it.
Things like childhood abuse shapes you. The negativity you got from people that were supposed to protect you has a very strong affect on how you treat yourself. That brain-speak is probably very often critical of you. Chances are you usually see the glass half empty. Why? Again, no surprises. If you expect the worst then you won't be hurt when it happens. Yaright! Tell me that works. If you expect the worst you may not enjoy when it doesn't happen; but you sure as heck aren't protected from being hurt when the worst does happen.
So looking at all these practical explanations of pains and why holding onto them is so impractical. So why is it so hard to let go of them? None of our arguments are sufficient. It has no healthy or worthwhile use for us to hang onto the pain and anger; except to torment us - the victim.
I don't have the answers. I struggle with this myself and I'm on the embarking phase of the journey. How to let go of those things that hurt and stop letting them continue to hurt us. It's easier to let go of the abusive relationship than the hurts and anger it infected you with.
You let go of the people that hurt you - but you continue to hurt yourself with the abuse playing over and over in your head. So how do you let go of that?
Stay tuned~
Standing on a Ledge
There's a song out there, I think by Creed about standing six feet from the edge, and six feet from the bottom or something like that. The wording is off and it always drives me nuts because if he's six feet from the edge, he's not only six feet from the bottom; he's 12 feet from the bottom.
That's how my mind works. So damn analytical I make people laugh. For me two and two always have to equal four unless someone can provide me with explicit facts as to why it doesn't. "Just the facts" is how I think. If the facts don't add up then there is no theory.
It's a curse really. I don't fly by the seat of my pants with anything. The unknown terrifies me. That's why I've always taken jobs beneath my qualifications. It's why when I say anything definite I am overly sure that I am right. No room for mistakes. What that means is that I seldom say something definite unless I'm absolutely sure it is correct. So in my last few jobs I was overly qualified and knowledgeable and when I dug my heels in about something; I was always right.
Well now I can't do that work anymore. I've been through the poor me, and mourning of my 'career' that I worked so hard at. Now its time for me to wake up and realize that with the end of that career there is opportunity for what I can do now.
It's the American dream to be an independent businessperson who marches to their own tune. I do have several chronic illnesses that are going to be hurdles along the way. However, here I am on the ledge of being able to do that thing that I've dreamed of doing for so many years.
The catch isn't my illnesses; although they will be an issue at times and I'll have to incorporate them into my reinvention of myself. The real catch is that I am about to jump into something I don't already know. I don't have all the answers, I don't always know what to expect, I haven't been there and done it.
That is the hardest part. The part that terrifies me. The part that makes some people enthusiastic and excited instead scares me to death. There is where I have to start working the hardest.
That's how my mind works. So damn analytical I make people laugh. For me two and two always have to equal four unless someone can provide me with explicit facts as to why it doesn't. "Just the facts" is how I think. If the facts don't add up then there is no theory.
It's a curse really. I don't fly by the seat of my pants with anything. The unknown terrifies me. That's why I've always taken jobs beneath my qualifications. It's why when I say anything definite I am overly sure that I am right. No room for mistakes. What that means is that I seldom say something definite unless I'm absolutely sure it is correct. So in my last few jobs I was overly qualified and knowledgeable and when I dug my heels in about something; I was always right.
Well now I can't do that work anymore. I've been through the poor me, and mourning of my 'career' that I worked so hard at. Now its time for me to wake up and realize that with the end of that career there is opportunity for what I can do now.
It's the American dream to be an independent businessperson who marches to their own tune. I do have several chronic illnesses that are going to be hurdles along the way. However, here I am on the ledge of being able to do that thing that I've dreamed of doing for so many years.
The catch isn't my illnesses; although they will be an issue at times and I'll have to incorporate them into my reinvention of myself. The real catch is that I am about to jump into something I don't already know. I don't have all the answers, I don't always know what to expect, I haven't been there and done it.
That is the hardest part. The part that terrifies me. The part that makes some people enthusiastic and excited instead scares me to death. There is where I have to start working the hardest.
Oh My Goodness I'm Tired
Today was quite a full day for me. I won't go through the boring details of unclogging the Kirby vacuum cleaner. I'm sure anyone who has ever owned one knows how clogged they can get and what it takes to unclog them. This clog was a doozy; from the bag hose to the roller. I think I worked on it for an hour. For someone that only gets about 4 hours of good time a day it was a significant impact on my day. But I did get it done.
The more significant part of the day was this evening. On the suggestion of the counselor we went to family bowling night. The bowling alley has a $1 fee on Mondays so alot of families do their family bowling night on Mondays. However, this was different for us.
Of course it wasn't just us because the 17 year old had to invite other additional friends; but it was just us actually bowling. There definitely was some camaraderie in the whole evening. The girls played both serious games and even some silliness took place. What impressed me was the dynamic of them coming together and even trying some of the silly shots - like throwing the ball backwards from between their legs. What was hilarious was the strike one of them made doing that.
It was a successful family night. Now I am so tired I can't even think of anything but sleep. Actually I think all of us are pretty tired. Hopefully we will all sleep well tonight. Oh, and incidentally; mom won 2 out of 3 games.
The more significant part of the day was this evening. On the suggestion of the counselor we went to family bowling night. The bowling alley has a $1 fee on Mondays so alot of families do their family bowling night on Mondays. However, this was different for us.
Of course it wasn't just us because the 17 year old had to invite other additional friends; but it was just us actually bowling. There definitely was some camaraderie in the whole evening. The girls played both serious games and even some silliness took place. What impressed me was the dynamic of them coming together and even trying some of the silly shots - like throwing the ball backwards from between their legs. What was hilarious was the strike one of them made doing that.
It was a successful family night. Now I am so tired I can't even think of anything but sleep. Actually I think all of us are pretty tired. Hopefully we will all sleep well tonight. Oh, and incidentally; mom won 2 out of 3 games.
Just another Rambling
Ok so perhaps the Snow post was a little cornball. At the time it seemed significant. Sometimes the mind has to focus on simple things in order to refocus. That's what I've been busy at the past few days. Maybe the past few weeks and months; but mostly its been a struggle that I haven't made a lot of progress with. So its sort of self-defeating to admit to how long I've really been at it.
I'm trying to refocus. Too much of my energy is focused on negative 'energies' so to speak. There are plenty of those around and nearby at present, so its easy to go there. I've recently come to fully realize that while I am NOT one of those inclined to live in the past; I desperately avoid living in the present. My shelter has always been to live in the future. To dream, to wish, to hope, to pray for that future state. I don't deal with the present very well. Sunday nights I dread Monday. Monday I start thinking about Friday and the weekend. Friday's I worry about what I didn't get done all week. Today I worry about tomorrow.
I can get through today alright it seems, but mostly I'm avoiding it. It's like driving without ever looking where you are; only where you are going and on occasion where you've been.
I'm constantly dreaming. Someday, either through determination or luck; I'll get there. I will arrive. I will achieve that state of contentment. This current state sure isn't it, so its got to be out there somewhere in the future.
In the meantime, I'm currently miserable. Things are bad. Things are not going well and it seems every turn is another roadblock. This makes it even more difficult to live in the now. Now is someplace I don't want to be. Now is frightening, and unhappy, and painful; sick and penniless; so why would I want to be here?
So as I push myself to do what the counselors tell me I must do; I keep asking why would I want to be here anyway? I don't really know the answer. I guess if I don't learn to live in the now; I'll keep raising the bar on myself and always be miserable. I know the answer is in there, but why do I have to start out so low?
I'm trying to refocus. Too much of my energy is focused on negative 'energies' so to speak. There are plenty of those around and nearby at present, so its easy to go there. I've recently come to fully realize that while I am NOT one of those inclined to live in the past; I desperately avoid living in the present. My shelter has always been to live in the future. To dream, to wish, to hope, to pray for that future state. I don't deal with the present very well. Sunday nights I dread Monday. Monday I start thinking about Friday and the weekend. Friday's I worry about what I didn't get done all week. Today I worry about tomorrow.
I can get through today alright it seems, but mostly I'm avoiding it. It's like driving without ever looking where you are; only where you are going and on occasion where you've been.
I'm constantly dreaming. Someday, either through determination or luck; I'll get there. I will arrive. I will achieve that state of contentment. This current state sure isn't it, so its got to be out there somewhere in the future.
In the meantime, I'm currently miserable. Things are bad. Things are not going well and it seems every turn is another roadblock. This makes it even more difficult to live in the now. Now is someplace I don't want to be. Now is frightening, and unhappy, and painful; sick and penniless; so why would I want to be here?
So as I push myself to do what the counselors tell me I must do; I keep asking why would I want to be here anyway? I don't really know the answer. I guess if I don't learn to live in the now; I'll keep raising the bar on myself and always be miserable. I know the answer is in there, but why do I have to start out so low?
Snow
Snow is quite
inspiring for some. It really depends on
whether you focus on the weather surrounding it or the miracle of snow itself. It has a very mystical effect on the
world. When it snows everything is
covered in white and it looks so clean.
The snow also acts as insulation for noise so its very quiet. All the usual noises are muffled and so its
both quiet and clean. It’s peaceful and
a marvel as well. The way it accumulates
on some trees and rocks it looks like frosting on a cinnamon roll.
Of course when we
get engaged in our daily activities we tend to ruin the pristine state of the
snow. We shovel it, track through it,
plow it from the streets and splatter dirt and grime on it. We warm our houses so it melts from the roof;
but if we are fortunate enough that it is still below freezing we do get some
very interesting icicles where the water drops.
By the time we get finished the snow is tramped, dirty, melted, piled up
and out of our way. So the pristine
state of the snow is even more precious; because we usually don’t have it for
long.
I went up to
It’s a silly idea
I suppose. But don’t you ever get the
impression that animals really appreciate the wonders of nature much more than
humans do? After all, we’re the ones
that make a mess of the fresh, clean, quiet snow-fallen day. While you expect the animals to all be hidden
in their warm dens; they are often outside playing in it. Perhaps they are smarter than we give them
credit for. Perhaps they have a better
handle on priorities than we do.