Standing on a Ledge
That's how my mind works. So damn analytical I make people laugh. For me two and two always have to equal four unless someone can provide me with explicit facts as to why it doesn't. "Just the facts" is how I think. If the facts don't add up then there is no theory.
It's a curse really. I don't fly by the seat of my pants with anything. The unknown terrifies me. That's why I've always taken jobs beneath my qualifications. It's why when I say anything definite I am overly sure that I am right. No room for mistakes. What that means is that I seldom say something definite unless I'm absolutely sure it is correct. So in my last few jobs I was overly qualified and knowledgeable and when I dug my heels in about something; I was always right.
Well now I can't do that work anymore. I've been through the poor me, and mourning of my 'career' that I worked so hard at. Now its time for me to wake up and realize that with the end of that career there is opportunity for what I can do now.
It's the American dream to be an independent businessperson who marches to their own tune. I do have several chronic illnesses that are going to be hurdles along the way. However, here I am on the ledge of being able to do that thing that I've dreamed of doing for so many years.
The catch isn't my illnesses; although they will be an issue at times and I'll have to incorporate them into my reinvention of myself. The real catch is that I am about to jump into something I don't already know. I don't have all the answers, I don't always know what to expect, I haven't been there and done it.
That is the hardest part. The part that terrifies me. The part that makes some people enthusiastic and excited instead scares me to death. There is where I have to start working the hardest.
Oh My Goodness I'm Tired
The more significant part of the day was this evening. On the suggestion of the counselor we went to family bowling night. The bowling alley has a $1 fee on Mondays so alot of families do their family bowling night on Mondays. However, this was different for us.
Of course it wasn't just us because the 17 year old had to invite other additional friends; but it was just us actually bowling. There definitely was some camaraderie in the whole evening. The girls played both serious games and even some silliness took place. What impressed me was the dynamic of them coming together and even trying some of the silly shots - like throwing the ball backwards from between their legs. What was hilarious was the strike one of them made doing that.
It was a successful family night. Now I am so tired I can't even think of anything but sleep. Actually I think all of us are pretty tired. Hopefully we will all sleep well tonight. Oh, and incidentally; mom won 2 out of 3 games.
Just another Rambling
I'm trying to refocus. Too much of my energy is focused on negative 'energies' so to speak. There are plenty of those around and nearby at present, so its easy to go there. I've recently come to fully realize that while I am NOT one of those inclined to live in the past; I desperately avoid living in the present. My shelter has always been to live in the future. To dream, to wish, to hope, to pray for that future state. I don't deal with the present very well. Sunday nights I dread Monday. Monday I start thinking about Friday and the weekend. Friday's I worry about what I didn't get done all week. Today I worry about tomorrow.
I can get through today alright it seems, but mostly I'm avoiding it. It's like driving without ever looking where you are; only where you are going and on occasion where you've been.
I'm constantly dreaming. Someday, either through determination or luck; I'll get there. I will arrive. I will achieve that state of contentment. This current state sure isn't it, so its got to be out there somewhere in the future.
In the meantime, I'm currently miserable. Things are bad. Things are not going well and it seems every turn is another roadblock. This makes it even more difficult to live in the now. Now is someplace I don't want to be. Now is frightening, and unhappy, and painful; sick and penniless; so why would I want to be here?
So as I push myself to do what the counselors tell me I must do; I keep asking why would I want to be here anyway? I don't really know the answer. I guess if I don't learn to live in the now; I'll keep raising the bar on myself and always be miserable. I know the answer is in there, but why do I have to start out so low?
Snow
Snow is quite
inspiring for some. It really depends on
whether you focus on the weather surrounding it or the miracle of snow itself. It has a very mystical effect on the
world. When it snows everything is
covered in white and it looks so clean.
The snow also acts as insulation for noise so its very quiet. All the usual noises are muffled and so its
both quiet and clean. It’s peaceful and
a marvel as well. The way it accumulates
on some trees and rocks it looks like frosting on a cinnamon roll.
Of course when we
get engaged in our daily activities we tend to ruin the pristine state of the
snow. We shovel it, track through it,
plow it from the streets and splatter dirt and grime on it. We warm our houses so it melts from the roof;
but if we are fortunate enough that it is still below freezing we do get some
very interesting icicles where the water drops.
By the time we get finished the snow is tramped, dirty, melted, piled up
and out of our way. So the pristine
state of the snow is even more precious; because we usually don’t have it for
long.
I went up to
It’s a silly idea
I suppose. But don’t you ever get the
impression that animals really appreciate the wonders of nature much more than
humans do? After all, we’re the ones
that make a mess of the fresh, clean, quiet snow-fallen day. While you expect the animals to all be hidden
in their warm dens; they are often outside playing in it. Perhaps they are smarter than we give them
credit for. Perhaps they have a better
handle on priorities than we do.
New Year and Reflection
Sometimes we get so caught up in our minds we complicate our lives beyond recognition. Learning how to let go is the real challenge in life. Realizing that some things are not always as you think they are; or intended as you perceived them.
I am guilty of complicating my life. While in certain cases I have an uncanny sense of people and understanding them; other times I over dramatize what I perceive are underlying intentions.
We all need to remember that things are not always as we perceive them. Take a single message and whisper it around a room and without fail it will come through entirely different as it was originally. We should pay more attention to what that childhood classroom demonstration really portrays.
Instead of being so sure we always know what is going on around us; we have to be humble enough to admit to ourselves that the majority of what we think is going on really isn't; and the same majority of what we think we've portrayed to others has been misinterpreted.
What can be done about it; I honestly don't have the answers. I struggle with this constantly. I think sometimes my own overactive mind is my worst enemy. It surely keeps me awake many nights and gives me more than my share of stressors. If I could just learn to quiet that voice in my head and let things go. Let myself forget things; let myself not care sometimes; let certain wrongs stay wrong and accept injustices without being destroyed.
I have realized that my extra sense; where I know things; seems to be most clear when I am looking at something from a distance. I read people when I first meet them or don't know them very well. When they get close, I have a tendency to distrust my instincts and let my mind complicate by analyzing the relationship. I don't trust my instincts and roll with it. While I hide it well; underneath I am extremely guarded and defensive. I over analyze every word and action; then I over-value the deductions from the analysis. By the time I'm through I've added decades to the original content and intent.
Lighten Up seems to be the ultimate motto. Understanding what that really means takes some reflection on myself. Implementing it in my life is going to be quite a challenge. I don't know whether I'll be successful or not. However, I'm afraid if I don't try that ultimately I'm the one that will pay the consequences.
Dear Disease(s)
I have learned what the real difference between treatment and cure means.
I have learned how much the medical field still does not know.
I have learned they are here to stay and they are part of my life now.
I have learned they an ironic sense of humor or maybe a superiority issue,
Striking harder at the worst times and finding new conditions at random.
I’ve relinquished that I am in control and running my life by my own plan.
I celebrate smaller victories and try to live more for the moment instead.
I’ve accepted that my life now contains painful days and sleepless nights.
Daytime naps, days nothing gets done, a lot of time alone, and tentative commitments
I’ve accepted that it takes me 14 Rx’s to have a moderate day
and that my treatments are not cures, and they, like me, do the best they can
I struggle with self pity and frustration and depression
I cry out why me and get angry that I’ve been given this burden
I sob at what I’ve lost and about the fearful unknown of what is ahead
I feel lost and confused without my master plans and too long list
When I stop and really evaluate this terrible hand I’ve been dealt
I can’t help but see in some ways these illnesses have been a gift of life
They’ve slowed me down and made me re-evaluate what matters
And let go of things that don’t need to be sapping life from me
So while I struggle through another day of pain, stiffness and other problems
I tell myself, this is it; this is your life now, accept it and embrace it
Accept that you will make the best of the day and let it be what it is
So maybe sometimes we are given a burden to help us refocus on our blessings.
A Holding Pattern
It's hard to explain, but I feel like an airplace in a holding pattern, just circling around the same circles over and over again waiting for the go ahead to arrive at the destination.
So in between the fact that my old 'normal' is gone and over, never to be the same again but my future isn't quite ready yet. I've got to get things in order and sorted out. I've got to make adjustments when I know what the future is going to be, but I can't do it yet. So I am waiting. I hate waiting. I feel like my life is in limbo.
Thank heaven for the few people that are helping us. It is interesting when you are in a crisis you find out those you expected to be there aren't; and some you never would have thought of; are. It just goes to show that we don't always know everything we think we know about our lives.
Sometimes we have to just accept that we are always learning things. We have to be willing to learn them. Not close our eyes to anything new. It doesn't matter how old you get, learning new things is invigorating. It's not necessarily always fun; but it breaths life into you. It keeps you young. It makes life more fun. I hope I never get to the stage where I no longer allow myself to learn new things.
My grandmother was like that. When she could no longer do anything else she sat on the end of the sofa with an encyclopedia in her lap. She read them like novels. She was always learning even when her mind no longer allowed her to recall information. She died on that sofa with a book in her lap.
Hopefully my limbo state will pass soon and things will get resolved so I can start to move forward. Mostly now I'm anxious and worried. Although I have been working to resolve my issues, for the most part there is so much unknown. Just part of the ride sometimes includes the slow straightaways I guess.
Changing Momentum
Things aren't where they used to be. Answers aren't where you are accustomed to finding them. The best thing to do is stop and take a look around; and come up with a new plan.
It's like being on the road. You've driven that road so many times, you even know many of the shortcuts. But what if the road is gone entirely; or blocked off in an area you are unfamiliar with? You have no choice but to try to get new bearings and explore uncharted ground to get to your destination. If you don't quite know where you are even a map isn't going to help you get to where you need to be.
Detours are seldom timely, but they sure can be interesting. You almost always learn something new.
Ride Free
A great day for a ride. Sunny, warm, but not too hot. When you are on a ride you experience things you never notice other times. Like the pockets of cooler and warmer air as you go. The difference shade makes, the smells that are so diverse.
Also, of course, there's the road hazards, the exhaust and bugs; but even those are part of the adventure. I don't know who dumped a load of wood on the highway around the lake, but it could have been very dangerous for someone.
The pine smell up in the mountains is one that hasn't been recreated artifically yet. Soon the fall smell will set in. My favorite time of year.
Long Lost
Thoughts about where they are, what they are doing now, what they are like and even thoughts about maybe trying to find them. What you would say, how would you would approach them. What type of reception you might receive.
It seem the ones that stick with you have had some significant loss with their departure. There is either some part of you that went with them or something that didn't allow for closure.
It sticks with you for years and years but you never act on it. Then one day you find a link to them. You envision a number of different responses, or wonder if they will even remember you. You challenge yourself to take the first step and accept whatever happens.